WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional sources are confirming at the time of publication that a large staff of spinal surgeons has been summoned to the rotunda with a mission to implant spines into as many elected Democrats’ bodies as are needed to sufficiently bolster support for impeaching President Donald Trump.
According to reports, capital medical personnell first noticed a potential need for spinal implant surgeries when the Mueller Report, redacted thought it is, was released. Doctors say that it became very worrisome to them when they noticed that top Democrats in the House like Reps. Nancy Pelosi and Stenny Hoyer were not willing to push forward on opening impeachment hearings. The Mueller Report states that the team of investigators was unable to establish a criminal conspiracy to collude with Russian operatives, despite having found such evidence. The report also states that because Mueller was bound by Department of Justice regulations that forbid indicting a sitting president, Congress must act if they wish to hold Trump accountable for the more than instances of obstruction of justice they documented.
“It was all there in black and white, and Mueller made it pretty obvious he’d have been indicting Trump if he thought he could. So it was obviously very concerning for us when Nancy and Stenny started acting like they shouldn’t impeach Trump,” Dr. Emily Snazback told us.
Snazback is the lead surgeon tasked with assembling a team of doctors that can work around the clock, giving spines to Democrats who need them. Before the Mueller Report was released, Pelosi famously said that it “wasn’t worth it” to impeach Trump. Days later, the report was released and it was inescable that he had at least attempted to severly hamper the investigation, which would seem to rise to the level of obstructing justice. Dr. Snazback says that was a “big red flag” when Pelosi didn’t seem even slightly interested in impeaching Trump before the report was released, but it became a “full blown emergency” when after the release Pelosi still seemed disinterested in impeachment.
“I mean, I don’t know how much he has to do to be impeached. I don’t think Republicans would need even two counts of possible obstruction to even hold impeachment hearings,” Snazback suggested. “So we knew that there might be a major spinal deficiency when more than ten couldn’t get Nancy and Stenny moving.”
According to Dr. Snazback, it “won’t even take that much spine” to initiate impeachment.
“It’s liteerally right there in the Constitution, and Mueller literally told them they can do it,” Snazback said. “This is the lowest possible hanging fruit on a tree tipping over with fruit. It’s amazing to me that they haven’t figured out that a big reason they were swept into office in the majority in 2018’s midterms was because people knew we could impeach Trump easier that way.”
Senate Republicans will be getting spinal implants, as well. However, Snazback says it’s a “far more urgent matter to the Republic” that Democrats get them first. The impeachment process constitutionally has to begin in the House, and that Snazback says, is why Dems get priority over Senate Republicans.
“Besides, we’ve known that Ted Cruz is a spineless slug for years, so there’s not really a sense of urgency there. Plus, who wants to get close enough to Ted to shave his genitals for surgery? Nobody does,” Snazback said, answering her own question. “Not even Heidi.”
There is even growing support to impeach President Trump from the right. Prominent Republicans like Bill Kristol have been asking why Dems feel that the impeachment process is too risky politically.
1974: Impeachment hearings, Judiciary vote, Nixon resigns; Democrats win big in ‘74 & win WH in ‘76.
1998: Clinton impeachment imminent; R’s lose a few House seats but hold Congress, impeach—& win WH in 2000.
So why the assumption impeachment would be super-risky for the Dems?
— Bill Kristol (@BillKristol) April 22, 2019
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.