WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s top medical professionals have given former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus some good news.
“We fully expect Mr. Preibus’ butthole to return to its previous shape within six months,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieu told reporters this morning at a press conference, “which we know will bring great relief to the entire Priebus family.”
Dr. Hornaydieu works for the National Medical Institute. He and his team evaluated Mr. Priebus’ mouth last week at the request of the Republican National Committee. Their concern is that Priebus, has had his mouth in “such close proximity to Trump’s rectum” for the last six months that if they send him out to do interviews, it may be off putting to viewers and journalists. That’s because Priebus’ mouth has molded itself to look like Trump’s anus.
“Buttholemouthitis is a very real, very serious ailment,” Hornaydieu reported, “and it costs us at least a dozen lives anally.”
The danger in buttholemouthitis is that over time, the body becomes confused, Hornaydieu said, and it starts to “spew shit from either end.”
“You probably noticed quite an uptick in the amount of shit coming out of Reince’s mouth after about, say, January 21st of this year,” Hornaydieu said, “or maybe you didn’t. Frankly, as the Chairman of the RNC Mr. Priebus was already accustomed to spewing quite a lot of hot air and verbal diarrhea, already. But we ran the numbers and once he started having to defend Trump in public, the shit just came out non-stop from his mouth.”
There is no surgical or medicinal treatment for buttholemouthitis. Instead, Dr. Hornaydieu says the only thing that cure it is “good old fashioned distance.” The farther away Priebus is from Trump and the more time that passes, the less his mouth will look like Trump’s butthole. There are some experiments being done in France with stem cells and buttholemouthitis patients, but nothing has produced verifiable results yet.
“I feel good,” Priebus said with slightly muffled tones this morning on Fox News, “and I feel like very soon my mouth won’t look like Trump’s butthole. That was a supe-supe-cray-cray last six months for me, let me tell you what. So if the worst that happens to me is that my mouth is shaped like a Trump anus for a few weeks, I’ll take it. All things considered with that bunch of fuck-shoes, I’m lucky to get out in one piece.”
Some other famous Americans that have had buttholemouthitis were John Quincy Adams, Harland Frisbee (inventor of the famous children’s toy, the Bushmaster AR-15), and 1945 Heisman Trophy runner-up Skip Jackson. The Buttholemouthitis Foundation of America estimates that every six months, another couple people or so contract buttholemouthitis. Priebus has promised to bring awareness to the illness in the coming weeks and months.
The White House declined comment on this story.