DNC Unveils New Democrat-Branded Nose Plugs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee is set to unveil new campaign merch, or “swag,” they say should “help bridge the gap between Team Hillary and Team Bernie.” Starting next week, anyone who gives a donation of $50 or more to the DNC will receive a pair of branded nose plugs.

“We’re hoping these nose plugs symbolize the full context and subtext of this election,” DNC Sub-Vice-Deputy Assistant Media Coordinator Skip Chestly told reporters at a press conference this morning. Chestly said that the DNC is “well-aware that many people are not thrilled with how the primaries went down” and they want to “acknowledge the tough choice liberals face in terms of standing on their principles or caring most and only about electoral victories.”

The nose plugs symbolize “doing what you have to do” and “party unity,” Chestly said. They also represent “having to do something you might not otherwise do but have to do because of a certain bewigged, bombastic douche canoe on the other side of the aisle.”

“Look, sometimes you have to be an adult and sacrifice what you believe in to vote for someone you don’t,” Chesterly said, adding, “even when, especially when, there’s a perfectly viable and electable third option that’s polling extremely well right now, out-raising the frontrunner, and still inspiring massive crowds to turn out for him. Sometimes you just have to close those primaries, and your nose, and pull the lever for the person you’re told to, you know, because liberty and freedom.”

The DNC is considering similar campaign swag to be released as the country moves closer to the General Election in the fall. Included in the DNC’s merch plan are blindfolds, earplugs, and a “ball-peen hammer to smack yourself in the leg with to remind yourself how painful a Trump presidency will be,” Chestly said, “and therefore be compelled to vote for the candidate we want them to vote for.”

“Hey, within the DNC itself we have raucous debates over who should be the nominee,” Chestly said, “but thankfully the Democratic Blood Oath we all swear when we register will keep most of us in line as the primary runs its course. These products are just for those who might make the mistake of believing their vote is their vote and they should feel free to use it as their own conscience dictates, is all.”

Current polling shows Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump in a virtual tie, while Bernie Sanders still enjoys a comfortable lead over Trump in hypothetical match-ups.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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