WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee released a statement today, announcing their “ongoing and continued partnership” with former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.
“The Democratic National Committee is pleased to announce the publishing of the only book you’ll ever want or need, What Happened?, written by the still perfect (she practically shits ice cream) Hillary Rodham Clinton,” a press release from the DNC reads.
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Democratic leadership acknowledges in their statement that some consumers may not be in the market for a book by Hillary Clinton. But ultimately, the DNC argues that what the “plebs really want” is a Hillary Clinton book, “even if they don’t see it now.”
“We know there are other books out there,” the DNC press release states, “Some books may suit what you’re looking for better. Some books say something similar to Hillary’s book, but you know, more genuinely. Fuck those books, is what we’re saying, because the only book you’re going to get is Hillary’s book.”
The DNC will be packing thousands of copies of “What Happened?” into trucks and distributing them. The plan is to put the books into stores all over the country. Every retailer in America, the Democrats say, will be “stuffed to the gills” with copies of Ms. Clinton’s book. However, there are some locations that won’t get any copies of the book delivered to them.
“Except in the Rust Belt,” the statement reads, “We just completely forgot to order books for the Rust Belt.”
The Democrats argue at one point in the press release that even if someone wanted to buy another book this year, they literally couldn’t.
“Buy another book? There aren’t any other books,” the press release announces, “Trust us. There are definitely not any other books out this year.”
DNC executives want Americans to know that buying Hillary’s book will be just like buying books from other authors, and that it’s “just time to go with Hillary…’s book that is.”
“You’ve bought other books before right,” the DNC release asks rhetorically, “Well, it’s this book’s turn now.”
At one point, the DNC’s press release takes on a personal tone.
“Clearly if you don’t buy this book the only, and I mean the only reason, you’d do that is because you’re a misogynist jerk,” the statement says, continuing, “Even if you voted for women in the past, work for a woman, and your own wife would laugh at the notion that you’re a misogynist because you’re very supportive of the fact that she’s a sole breadwinner and makes all the financial decisions in the house. Despite all of that, you’re a misogynist if you don’t buy this book.”
It would seem that there are some things that even the DNC thinks might have been better for Mrs. Clinton to put in her book, though the critique in the statement doesn’t speak her name specifically.
“Of course, maybe what this country needs is a book from someone who came so close to the White House telling everyone some ideas about how to win next time,” the DNC states, “including owning up to their own mistakes that led to losing to one of the most hated candidates of all time. But, hey, what are you gonna do, right?”
The DNC even admits that there are some issues with the book, but they still want Americans to know Hillary’s book is “better than other books, at least.”
“Does this book have some flaws? Sure,” the release admits, “But have you seen the OTHER book?”
In the end, the DNC’s pitch for Hillary’s book is essentially that while some may not be thrilled with it once they read it, it’s better to be a little disappointed by a book than to buy something thinking it’s a book, and it “turns out to be the dildo that will fuck you unpleasantly into oblivion,” the statement says.
“In all seriousness though,” the DNC writes, “buy this book before you get eight months down the line and realized not only did you buy the wrong book, you actually didn’t buy a book at all. You bought a dildo. And that dildo is big, orange, filled with shit, and will fuck you in the most unpleasant ways. Capice?”