ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA — The Walt Disney Company announced this week that for the first time since the September 11th, 2001 terror attacks, they were shutting down Disneyland and California Adventures theme parks, due to growing concerns about the novel coronavirus. During that time, Disney said, they plan to do a “whole lot of cleaning,” Bob Chapek, the new CEO told everyone. Chapek also divulged that Disney would be taking “extra precautions” to ensure the park was as virus-free as it possibly could be when it re-opened on April 1st.
“We’re going to have the cantina over in Star Wars land cleaned by droids from top to bottom, and we’ll leave no Bantha poodoo unturned,” Chapek said. “We’ll also be dusting the ghosts in the Haunted Mansion with Lysol wipes, and we plan to have every single pirate of the Caribbean tested for coronavirus. They’re sailors, so it would only make sense they, of all our attractions’ animatronic actors, would pick up some kind of disease or another in their travels on the high seas.”
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Though it’s unclear if animatronic humanoids are even capable of contracting the coronavirus, Chapek says Disney doesn’t want to take any chances. Given the considerable resources at its discretion, he says Disney is “erring on the side of abundant caution” and will test each and every one of them throughout the park. Testing the Caribbean pirates first, Chapek says, is a must due to how popular the ride is, and also the fact they’re “dirty, drunken pirates.”
“They’ve been living the pirate life for themselves for decades, and so it only makes sense to take a step back, take advantage of the hiatus the park’s closure affords us,” Chapek explained, “and test every single swashbuckler in the ride. We’ll also be testing the pillaged town’s residents, and we’ll even be testing the skeletons at the bar, sleeping in bed, and sitting atop a giant pile of treasure. You just never can be too cautious in times like these.”
In addition to testing their Caribbean pirates, Chapek says Disney will ensure that every character in their It’s a Small World boat ride are tested. Chapek acknowledged that the ride has great potential for outbreak because of how many different countries are represented in the ride. While none of the characters in the ride of shown symptoms of coronavirus infection, Chapek said it’s “essential” that as many be tested and have infection ruled out completely.
“As the song says, it’s a small world after all, and that means a pandemic can spread really quickly on that ride,” Chapek said. “We have every confidence that we’ll find any of the animatronic children in the ride who are currently infected with coronavirus and get them treated. We decided to close the park until April, so that gives us more than two weeks to isolate them, remove them from the rest of their community, and get them treated and back onto the attraction as soon as we can.”
Chapek announced that although the current sitting U.S. president has refused to have a coronavirus test done on himself, the president who resides in Disneyland will be tested.
“As you all know, the Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln attraction features a life-sized, painstakingly crafted animatronic version of the 16th President of the United States of America, Abraham Lincoln,” Chapek said. “Just to be on the safe side, we plan to have our Honest Abe also submit to a coronavirus test. We’re hoping to have his test done the same day we have Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Goofy tested, so that we can know as quickly as possible how many of our mainstay characters need to be quarantined, and for how long.”
While Disney plans to test as many of the animatronic characters on their rides as they can, there are some who will not need to be tested.
“Obviously there’s no need to test the ghosts in the Haunted Mansion,” Chapek announced, “because they’re already dead. I would also like to announce that due to the emergency situation, we’ve decided not to charge rent to all the park employees sleeping in their cars out in the cast member parking lot. It’s the least we can do to make sure our poverty-stricken minimum wage earners get through this trying time as unscathed financially as they can.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.