Disney to Sell MAGA Mickey Ears, Greet Republicans as ‘Domestic Terrorists,’ Not Boys or Girls

ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA — The Walt Disney Company has announced that it will begin selling a new line of merchandise and making a few changes to how certain park guests are greeted in an attempt to smooth things over conservative Americans.

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In recent days, Disney has become the focus of quite a bit of online ire from the right for their public condemnation of Florida’s controversial new “Don’t Say Gay” law that bans any discussions of sex, sexual identity, or basic human biology in classrooms from kindergarten to third grade. The law also opens the door for banning such discussions even among older students and teachers, due to its clause forbidding “age-inappropriate” topics from being discussed. Many advocates fear the law will have a chilling effect on LGTBQIA+ students and faculty, and even can make for some awkward situations if a young child asks where babies come from, for instance.

As the law was being considered, Disney remained publicly quiet, despite having a resort in South Florida that props up a substantial portion of the state’s economy. Internal pressure at Disney, which employs likely hundreds of members of the LGTBQIA+ community, finally forced Disney to take a public stand against Don’t Say Gay. When the bill was signed into law, Disney issued a statement condemning it while also vowing to help repeal it.

Disney’s decision to come out against the law rankled conservatives like Florida’s governor, Ron DeSantis, who has framed Don’t Say Gay as “anti-grooming,” not anti-LGTBQ. Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-Bar Tab), who is under federal investigation for paying for sex with a minor, recently joined a Disney boycott, saying his prom date would be taken to SeaWorld instead this year.

As reported by NotReally.News, Gaetz made his announcement in a written statement, yesterday.

The congressman’s commitment to his rock, solid conservative morals is only matched by his commitment to his bar tab. As such, his commitment drives him to make a decision he really wishes he didn’t have to make. This spring, when he takes her to the prom, Matt has decided he and his date will visit a restaurant at SeaWorld, instead.

There is time, of course, for Disney to reverse their decision. Congressman Gaetz would certainly rather be riding Mr. Toad with his date than watching dolphins jump, but the decision is not his to make. Disney must choose whether they want to kowtow to a minority of shrill, performative faux-victim martyrs, or if they will continue to oppose this new law. (NRN)

This morning, Disney announced that in addition to not referring to guests as “boys and girls” any longer, they would be referring to Republicans who visit their parks as “domestic terrorists.”

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In order to help cast members identify Republicans, new MAGA Mickey Ear hats will be sold at the front entrance to each American park. Disney says they aren’t necessary at international locations, since MAGA Americans are “first, foremost, and only obsessed with America and never leave their bubbles anyway.”

In a statement released today, Disney says the MAGA Mickey Ears and new greetings are their “attempt at an olive branch.” While they remain committed, Disney says, to getting “Don’t Say Gay” repealed, they hope the new changes will “at least temporarily calm inflamed emotions.”

“We’ve priced the MAGA Mickey Ears even out of work, non-union plumbers can afford, and we hope this shows our commitment to being an open and inclusive company,” Disney wrote, “Open even to morons, racists, and bigots. After all, our first commitment is to our profit margins, and boy do we still love taking money from people. So, please join us at one of our great American theme parks soon, and get your very own MAGA Mickey Ears, Domestic Terrorists!”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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