WASHINGTON, D.C. — Conservative columnist and George Will recently made national political headlines when he left the Republican Party over its presumptive nomination of Donald J. Trump as its 2016 presidential nominee. Will condemned the GOP and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan for their endorsement of Trump’s campaign, and said it was something worth leaving the party over.
Now, Will has created yet another stir in the political world by leaving behind something else he’d been working on for around forty years.
“Today, it is with great sadness and not a small amount of relief that I walk away from this massive, smelly, ozone depleting turd I’ve been dropping for lo, these past four decades,” Will wrote in an op-ed for The Washington Post. Will wrote further that he was “most certainly at least partially responsible for the gargantuan size and Titanic smell” of the feces he was leaving behind but that ultimately he could wipe his hands clean because “shirking personal responsibility while decrying everyone else’s lack of it is a hallmark of conservatism.”
In one passage of the piece, Will attempts to explain why even though he helped make the poop, he wasn’t really responsible for it.
It is true that, much like the Republican Party’s embrace of jingoistic, reality-deprived, white nationalism can be traced back to my own words of support for it, I did in fact eat nothing but six boxes of whole grain cereal a day and wash it down with a glass of Metamucil every time. So I have no right to act as surprised by how big and stinky this poo is that I’m leaving behind. But then, I acted all surprised and butt-hurt about Trump after I helped foment the Republican culture that gave rise to him. So, you know, YOLO, I guess?
Mr. Will made yet another comparison between the last few decades of his writing and the pile of human excrement he’s now disassociating with.
Just like my writing helped spread nasty, anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-liberal, and pretty much anti-anything not conservative rhetoric, I have decided to smear this dooktastic dookie I am leaving behind all over the walls, floors, ceiling, bathtub, and mirror in the bathroom. But I will hasten to remind anyone who would seek to take me to task for this that a) they can kiss my shriveled, pale nutsack and b) it’s not my fault because, in this order: Ronald Reagan, 9/11, bootstraps, baseball, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and weapons of mass destruction.