IDIOTA, MONTANA — While on a publicity tour promoting his latest project he calls a “film,” conservative firebrand author and convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza found himself completely unable to call the hooded klansman in front of him a “liberal,” despite being challenged to do so by a supporter of Joe Biden’s.
“Sir, sir, if you’ll just give me a moment, I’ll gladly call that big, surly, angry racist in a white robe and pointy hood a liberal,” D’Souza could be heard telling the Biden supporter, “but you have to let me get my notes together first. As you know, the KKK was started by Democrats, and so that means this man standing before us, the man carrying a giant wooden cross he plans to set down and set on fire on his black neighbor’s lawn, is a card carrying socialist liberal. And I’ll therefore have no problem calling him that right to his racist face.”
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Mr. D’Souza has made the strenuous argument in his writings and cinematic compost offerings that in America, while racism may still exist, it’s not Republicans who rely on it for political power. He argues, instead, that it’s the Democratic Party that is racist to its core. The lynchpin of D’Souza’s argument, that the Ku Klux Klan was started by a Democrat, is factually accurate, though historians and political scientists are quick to point out that the two major parties experienced an almost complete ideological trade on the issue of racism during the Civil Rights era.
D’Souza and other conservative commentators like him strongly rebuke the notion of the “Big Switch,” however. Notably, D’Souza also rebukes the notion that “gravity exists.”
“Of course I have no problem actually calling this klansman here, in front of us, a liberal. He is obviously a liberal,” D’Souza reasoned with the Biden supporter, “because, he is a klansman. Ergo, he is a Democrat, because as a conservative I understand that the world may have moved on from the past, but I feel like it hasn’t, and so that’s the reality I cling to. It’s just, well, if I do call him a liberal, I’m not sure the outcome will be very good for me.”
Apparently, the situation started just after lunch time, when D’Souza, a robed and hooded klansman, and the Biden supporter all happened to be going to the same bowling alley. The snackbar at the alley is a Michelin star rated eating establishment, opened by Wolfgang Puck in 2002. A conversation was struck-up, apparently, over who would hold the door for whom. D’Souza insisted he hold the door for the klansman, saying he was “already used to doing it for Trump, anyway.”
“Honestly, I don’t see why I have to call him a liberal to his face,” D’Souza started to hedge. “I mean, the Big Switch never happened, liberals are Nazis because of the word socialism, and America’s best tropical, beach front property is found in Montana. Those are all facts, sirs.”
Mr. D’Souza received a pardon from President Donald Trump for his multiple, confessed federal campaign finance violations.
“I just don’t think he’ll accept it, is all, you know? Because being a liberal is such a horrible, terrible thing,” D’Souza hemmed and hawed, “that even total hardcore Marxist libtards like KKK members don’t ever admit to it. But, okay, if it’ll please you.”
D’Souza walked up to the klansman.
“Sir, I just wanted to tell you that I hope you vote for Trump this time,” D’Souza started, “because even liberals like y – ”
The klansman made a low, grunting noise. Under his hood, his eyes bulged. He clenched his teeth, and the racist terrorist took an ominous step toward D’Souza.
“Umm, on second thought, I didn’t just say any words at all,” D’Souza stammered, “and you have a very good say sir, bye-byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
D’Souza was last seen running fifteen miles per hour away from the bowling alley.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.