UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, WYOMING — In a stunning bit of news, former Co-President Dick Cheney (R-Hell) has announced that he is officially endorsing Donald J. Trump for president.
Cheney’s announcement will likely come as a shock and setback to Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus and other members of the GOP’s donor and establishment classes. Mr. Cheney up to this point was largely assumed to be part of the establishment, but he said this morning via an email he sent to various news outlets that Trump’s comments in the wake of the terrorist attacks in Belgium “sealed the deal” for him.
“I just love that he didn’t wait until the smoke had cleared to start advocating torture,” Cheney said with a discernible lilt in his voice and glint in his eye, “and that’s the kind of leadership I know this country thrives under.” Cheney was referring to an interview that Trump did on “Today” just hours after the attacks, in which he said he believed waterboarding suspected terrorists — an act that many have widely condemned as unnecessary, unproductive, and outright torture — “would be fine.”
“Frankly, the waterboarding, if it was up to me, and if we changed the laws or had the laws, waterboarding would be fine,” Trump said. “If they could expand the laws, I would do a lot more than waterboarding. You have to get the information from these people. (source)
Trump also told “Fox and Friends” he believed the borders should be closed and Muslim immigrants and visitors should get extra scrutiny.
“I would close up our borders to people until we figure out what’s going on.” (source)
These comments, Cheney said, made his “heart sing.” He said he hadn’t “felt that much war blood pumping through” his “iron veins” since the lead-up to the Iraq War and when he was in the Reagan administration.
“Donald really seems to get it,” Cheney’s email said, “that you can’t make the world peaceful without my bank account being plump. You can’t have stability without my wallet getting fatter. Bless him. He is the man this country needs to lead us into the 19th century!”
Mr. Cheney’s email was sentimental in tone, and he said at several points that he sees a lot of his own “bold embrace of blood mongering” in Trump, and that it “really gets the hydraulic fluid pumping” thorough his artificial body’s internal motors and servos. Cheney said his old mentor, Darth Sidious, would be quite proud of Trump’s “strident adherence to the principle that war is good” for his bank accounts.
“He’s a war criminal off the old block,” Cheney’s email said in effusive, praising tones. “I am very pleased and honored to endorse Donald, and I’d like to just remind him that there’s nothing in the Constitution about how many times someone can be a co — excuse me, Vice-President. Call me Donnie.”