UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, WYOMING — Former Vice President Dick Cheney is not very pleased with the 2016 Republican primary field of candidates.
In an email sent to various news outlets, Cheney asked reporters to dig into why he hasn’t been raised as a possible target for time traveling infanticide questions that have been asked of a few of the Republicans running for president. “Everyone always goes to Hitler,” Cheney’s email complains, “and I get that killing Baby Hitler would be sporting, fun, and downright patriotic on many levels, but I have to lament the said state of affairs in this country when a living war monger isn’t given at least a modicum of consideration for these kinds of questions.”
“Over 4,000 American soldiers and countless hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have lost their lives at least in part because of my lies,” Cheney’s email states, “so why did they immediately jump to asking Jeb! if he’d kill Baby Hitler? Why didn’t those people ask Ben Carson if he’d abort Baby Dick Cheney,” the Haliburton executive asked rhetorically. Cheney insists in his email that he “understands in sheer volume of deaths” that “Hitler has [him] licked and then some” but that “out of good ol’ fashioned American pride” he should be used as the subject of the questions as well.
Cheney was referring to the time that former Florida Governor and brother to former President George Bush, Jeb!, was asked by a reporter if he could go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler, but when the future genocidal dictator was a baby, if he could complete his mission. A similar question was asked of Carson, but this time playing on his strict pro-life values, Dr. Carson was asked whether he could abort Baby Hitler, and his answer was, “I’m not in favor of aborting anybody.” Jeb! gave a very positive affirmative answer; he would absolutely murder Baby Hitler.
“I’m still alive ferchrissakes,” Cheney’s email blasted out while asking, “don’t I warrant at least some consideration?” Cheney said that him not even being considered by reporters as someone worthy of being murdered in a hypothetical, time-traveling fantasy question shows “just how far President Barack Obama has led us down the rabbit hole.” The 74-year-old Cheney’s email said that in his day, “we had so much disdain for disgraced former leaders that we’d never let them off the hook for starting a war based on lies.”
In a statement following Cheney’s email, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said, “We must concur with former Vice President Cheney. Once again the liberal, lame stream media has let the public down by not asking the kinds of questions that need answers, like if any of the candidates would travel back in time to kill the baby form of someone we don’t like in modern times.” Priebus promised that “at the next Republican debate, we will devote at least sixteen questions to figuring who our candidates would go back in time to kill and why.”
“All I want is to be thought of, constantly,” Cheney’s email concluded, “is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that I not only live a charmed life where I get out of military service for myself, but yet still become Secretary of Defense and eventually send thousands and thousands of young Americans to their graves, to say nothing of the innocent Iraqi bloodshed I helped create as well? I don’t think it is, and I hope that you in the media will see it that way too. Thank you, and God Bless America, God Bless the Republican Party, and most importantly, God Bless Me.”