SITH TEMPLE, CORUSCANT — After claiming responsibility for the tragic twin car bombing in Baghdad that left over 80 people dead and 200 more injured, Former Vice-President Richard Cheney (R-Naboo) sent an international cable to ISIS, the terrorist group and world’s largest collection of men clearly overcompensating for something. Cheney’s cable was transmitted with a court order demanding ISIS “cease and desist taking credit for any and all acts of terror carried out in the regions of Iraq or Syria past, present, and future.”
My most trusted apprentice has made me aware that your organization has claimed responsibility for the twin carbombings in Bagdhad, Iraq on Saturday night. Attached hereto please find a court order demanding you cease and desist taking credit for any and all acts of terror carried out in the regions of Iraq or Syria past, present, and future.
In the cable that preceded the order, Cheney reminded ISIS that they “wouldn’t even have a pot to piss or power vacuum to exist in” without the Iraq War that the Haliburton executive called his “proudest achievement in the commerce of young, able-boded Americans.”
While you may have been behind the bombings, you wouldn’t even have a pot to piss or power vacuum to exist in had you not taken advantage of my proudest achievement in the commerce of young, able-bodied Americans, the Iraq War.
Some really ignorant people will try to blame your existence on Obama, but we all know if it weren’t for me lying — excuse me — relying on bad intelligence about weapons of mass destruction connections to 9/11 the Iraq War doesn’t happen. And without the Iraq War, YOU don’t happen, bitches.
Upon receipt of the cable and C&D order, ISIS responded with a Western Union telegram of their own.
In it, they said that Cheney could “suck on” their “wrinkly and clearly tiny, minuscule dicks” because while they were “eternally grateful” for Cheney’s war, they still “did all the hard work of being a bunch of tool bags twisting religious texts into justification for wanton murder all because we just can’t admit we’re not good at anything but jacking off to pictures of each other fucking gopher mounds with [their] obviously insignificant penises.”
Cheney, when reached for comment, said that he was “extremely disappointed in those ingrates.”
“You know,” Cheney told reporters late Sunday night, “I’m extremely disappointed in those ingrates for forgetting to respect their elders. I mean, no big deal guys, I only like, totally destabilized your entire geographical location for the sake of my company’s profits and to make me feel better about having a tiny dick. But I guess you don’t have anything to thank me for, eh?”
Cheney’s comments about his detachable and yet still totally worthless phallus made ISIS realize they had something in common with him and their next telegram contained quite an unusual business proposal.
We, ISIS, the world’s most hated terrorist group/gaggle of dudes who just need to fuck each other and get over it, would like to offer you, Dick Cheney, a chance of a lifetime opportunity. We would like to give you first right of refusal for the corporate naming rights to our organization. From now on, we would be known as Haliburton’s ISIS and we would add “Brought to you by Haliburton” on all our official letterhead, Twitter banners, and click pens we give out at TerrorCon.
At the time of publication, Cheney had not indicated whether he would accept the offer or not. This is a developing story.