Dick Cheney: ‘I Criticize Obama Out of Total Hypocrisy, Not Racism!’

Coeur Mécanique, WY — Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was the recent subject of an in-depth interview for Playboy magazine. In the interview, Cheney accuses President Barack Obama and outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder of “playing the race card” when people like Cheney criticize the Obama administration. “To say that we criticize, or that I criticize, Barack Obama or Eric Holder because of race, I think it’s obviously not true,” said Cheney in the interview. He went on to explain that his “criticism is merited because of performance — or lack of performance, because of incompetence.” and that it “hasn’t got anything to do with race.”

Appearing on conservative radio host Gil Fitzroy’s show on Tuesday, Cheney clarified what he meant in the interview. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m not a racist when I criticize the president. I’m doing it out of pure, unadulterated hypocritical defensiveness, and nothing more,” Cheney told Fitzroy. “I don’t mean to say that Obama and Holder don’t get purely racially driven criticism from some folks on the right — clearly he does because we all know that the Southern Strategy works otherwise we wouldn’t keep employing it. I’m just saying that for me, personally, I attack the president because I know full-well that I am an integral part of the most incompetent, money wasting, blood shed bringing administrations in the history of the nation,” the septuagenarian warfare industrial capitalist told Fitzroy. “I only insult him out of a reflexive need to deflect away from my own terrible misdeeds.”

Fitzroy asked Cheney if he was felling well, considering how candid he was being. “Look, maybe it’s the battery acid pumping through my veins, or maybe the computer running the algorithm that keeps my heart-bot churning has picked up a virus, but I’m just tired of being called a racist because I insult the president,” Cheney responded. “I’m fine with being known as a hypocritical, war mongering, economy destroying cyborg. But I will not stand idly by and let myself be called a racist hypocritical, war mongering, economy destroying cyborg. That’s a bridge too far, sir,” said the former Senator.

Cheney made sure to let Fitzroy and his audience know, however, that while he was not be accused of being a racist anymore, that he still supported using mildly suggestive rhetoric — which has been dubbed “dog whistle racism” — to fire up parts of the Republican base that still respond to such political sloganeering as “welfare queen.” Cheney said that he was not there to “dissuade any Republican from using the rhetoric they know will get conservatives to the polls” and that “implying our great nation is under attack from within” is a “tried and true Republican message that shouldn’t be abandoned.”

“I’m just saying that any time I personally open my mouth up about Obama, I’m doing it out of hypocrisy,” Cheney reiterated. “I tell him he’s playing the race card, for example, when my administration pretty much let Katrina do its worst to New Orleans before we got involved because we figured our voters wouldn’t care too much about the uh, demographics in New Orleans. See? Hypocrisy.” Cheney went on to point out a couple more examples of why he’s a hypocrite and not a racist, citing his critique of Obama’s foreign policy in the face of having helped orchestrate the Iraq War. “I mean, how anyone can take a damn word I say seriously when we there is irrefutable evidence that I knew exactly how badly I was lying to start the Iraq invasion is beyond me. But whatever, I’ll keep calling Obama’s foreign policy weak because that’s what our base responds to.”

During the interview, Cheney said that he’s “tired of Obama getting credit for fixing” what he and George W. Bush had done. “Did we essentially make the entire international community loathe and despise us? Yes. Did we ignore the looming financial crisis and exacerbate it by keeping the Bush Tax Cuts in place for far too long? Of course. Did Barack Obama oversee the stabilization and rebounding of our economy as well as put us on better footing with the countries we had pissed off? Most assuredly,” Cheney took a long breath, “and that’s why I have to insult the living shit out of him every chance I get. Compared to us, a bag full of bowling balls and used dildos would have been a better presidential administration, and toward the end, don’t think that wasn’t suggested either.”

Fitzroy wrapped up the interview by asking Cheney who he thinks looks like a good candidate for the Republicans in 2016. “Well, the best candidate is the one i see in the mirror every day thanks to my ocular scanning nodes that doctors installed in my eye sockets last year,” Cheney began. “But since I know the country just isn’t ready for the kind of cybernetic leadership I can give, I’d say that any of them would do a fine job. But I like that Walker kid; the cut of his jib. Anyone who drops out of college and goes on to wage a war against intellectualism is alright in my book.”

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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