WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that the Department of Homeland Security wants to purchase 100,000 dog crates of various sizes from PETCO to be used in detention centers across the country in order to house children separated from their families as they cross the border without documentation.
“I mean, why should we even hide our subtext anymore, right,” Senior policy adviser Stephen Miller told reporters from his West Wing coffin storage room. “We’re going to round up all the Mexicans, or you know, Mexican-y looking people. We’re going to take their kids from them, and then, yes, we’re going to put those kids into concentration camps and let them sleep in dog cages. Are we done here?”
The administration believes that working with an American company like PETCO to provide the dog crates for their concentration camps fits right in line with their “America First” agenda.
“Hey, we could have gone with some Chinese company or something, but we went with an American company,” Trump would later explain to reporters in the Oval Office. “We think it’s vitally important to this country that as many American companies participate in our human rights violations as possible.”
Representatives from PETCO said they are “shocked and outraged” by the proposed purchase order and said they will ask the White House to find the cages somewhere else.
“Hey, we’re a big, publicly traded company and our CEO loves money like the best of them, but this is a bridge too far, even for us,” PETCO said in a statement. “Now, if you want to cut our corporate tax rate even more so we can do stock buybacks and not pass the tax savings on to our employees or customers, now you’re talking!”
Both Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and outgoing Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) expressed outrage and concern over the plan, but stopped short of committing to do anything to stop it.
“I’ve never heard of such a God awful plan in my life, and if I wasn’t busy making sure to cynically take advantage of every opportunity a Republican in the White House affords my own political career, I’d do something about it, I bet,” McConnell told reporters.
Ryan was even less committal.
“What? What’s happening man? Bummer, and totally gross, but I’m hitting my delts right now before I work on my biceps so I don’t have time to talk much now, bros and lady bros,” Ryan said.
This story is developing.