DeVos Wants School Held One Day A Week, In One Specific Building In Every Town

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy DeVos announced at a press conference this morning that she was considering new educational guidelines for the 2017-2018 school year that would require all public schools to be held just one day a week in a very specific building in every town.

“I’ve said in the past that that my goal for education is to confront the culture in which we all live today in ways which will continue to advance God’s kingdom,” Secretary DeVos told reporters at an early morning press conference, “and now that I’ve bought my way into the cabinet — excuse me — now that I’ve been confirmed by the Senate, it’s time to start working toward that goal.”

To that end, Ms. DeVos is prepared to issue an educational proclamation that required all public schools to only hold session on Sunday. The proclamation will further instruct schools that they are to move their classrooms from the buildings they are currently in, and start teaching in the Protestant Christian church in their town, preferably either Southern Baptist or Christian Dominionist.

“There’s someone who we need to make sure our schools serve,” DeVos said, “and it’s not our students. It’s Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, amen.”

Secretary DeVos believes that cutting the school week by four days will provide “several avenues of growth, change, and education” for children. She said that holding school on Sundays will free up children to do what they put on this planet to do the other six days of the week.

“They can go get a job now,” DeVos said, “and help contribute not only to the economy, but to their household’s bottom line. For far too long second and third graders have been given a free pass, but by holding school only on Sundays, they can go work in a mine, or on a farm somewhere and really do something with their lives for a change.”

DeVos said that consolidating classes into local churches will save a “ton of money.”

“Towns can either rent out their old schools,” DeVos said, “or they can tear them down, or better yet, convert them into churches. Now there’s an idea I can get behind.”

Ms. DeVos plans to have the plaques for her proclamation printed and framed by the end of next week. Then they’ll be shipped to every school in every district, where they’ll be expected to be nailed into the outside walls. DeVos said she understands these kinds of changes can take time, and that’s why her edict won’t take effect until next school year.

“I’m not that crazy,” DeVos said, “turning our country into a theocracy will take some time and methodical planning. After all, Taliban-controlled Afghanistan wasn’t built in a day!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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