DeVos To Replace Sixth Grade Science Textbooks With The New Testament

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Education, under direction from its new leader, will be rolling out several key changes to America’s school curriculum next school year. Current school guidelines, lesson plans, and materials will remain unchanged through the current term, but beginning in the fall of 2017, the DOE has said it will make some “sweeping reforms.” At a press conference late Friday afternoon newly-confirmed Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced one of the changes.

“Starting next year,” DeVos announced, “all sixth grade science textbooks will be replaced by the New Testament from the Holy Bible, American translation version.”

Before going on, DeVos paused. She reached behind her and produced a giant check, made out to the Republican Party, and another made out to the Donald Trump 2020 re-election campaign. She handed one check to a representative from the GOP, and another to Sub-President Trump, who had joined DeVos for the announcement, saying he “just love[s] getting [his] picture in the papers.”

“There, I didn’t want to forget to give Don and the Republicans their February payments,” DeVos said, “and so now I’d be happy to take a few questions from you.”

A reporter asked DeVos why she felt the need to remove actual science texts and replace them with religious texts. DeVos giggled. She smiled blankly, and then replied.

“Both Donald and I feel this is a much gooder direction to take our educationicial systems,” Secretary DeVos said, adding, “and the first step toward learning our kids in a more better way is to get them right with God, I always say. And what I say goes, because to the biggest donor go the spoils, as they say.”

When asked for some concrete examples of the benefits she and the sub-president expect to see from making such a drastic change, DeVos smiled and giggled again.

“For starters,” Ms. DeVos said, “it saves a whole ton of money because I personally have a bible collection in the millions. I have so many bibles my church actually said I need to stop buying bibles because other people want to buy bibles. But, you can never have too much of the gospel, know what I mean?”

DeVos said she and Trump believed there would be other benefits as well.

“It also saves time,” DeVos insisted, “because there’s so much less that teachers have to teach in their science classes if we just pretend that there haven’t really been science-y things happening, right?”

It wasn’t all roses and sunshine between the media and DeVos, however. At one point, the secretary seemed to get upset with the implication that she was trying to drag the country to a less enlightened time. DeVos was not pleased.

“Don’t accuse me of trying to take us too far backward,” Secretary DeVos bellowed, “I could’ve said the Old Testament, but I modernized my thinking for you liberal jerks.”

DeVos was sworn-in as Secretary of Education last week after being confirmed on the thinnest margin in history. Vice-President Pence was forced to cast a tie-breaking vote in the Senate when two Republican Senators decided to vote against her confirmation.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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