DeVos Marriage on the Skids? EdSec Caught Canoodling With Dreamy Swim Champ/Rapist Brock Turner!

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF SWINGIN’ COLUMBIA — The Nation’s Capital is absolutely abuzz and awash with rampantly running rumors of clandestine canoodling between one of President Donald Trump’s top cabinet officials and one of America’s hunkiest swim champs cum rapists!

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos — fresh off striking a blow against the very same feminism that fought to push our patriarchal society into accepting of women in places of high authority and power — has been seen around town with America’s premier rapey swim champ, Brock Turner. Readers might remember that this week Secretary DeVos ended an Obama era Title IX guideline that demanded schools take a tough and proactive stance against sexual assaults on their campuses. Schools not viewed as pursuing allegations seriously or dutifully enough could have had their funding stripped.

DeVos said in her announcement of the policy shift that while “one rape is one too many,” the Trump administration also believes that “one person denied due process is one too many.” This move has been sharply criticized by sexual assault victims and advocacy groups who say it is tantamount to allowing schools to simply take a potential rapist’s word and not faithfully investigate an allegation against them. It’s argued that DeVos has effectively cleared the way for rape victims to have no avenues to seek justice from the schools.

RELATED: Betsy DeVos: “I Don’t Care About Women Getting Raped Until God Makes a Baby With It”

But this weekend, there was nothing but smiles to be seen as DeVos and Turner stepped out for a little date. Seen entering one of DeVos’ favorite restaurants arm-in arm, some members of the paparazzi caught up with the new couple. They asked DeVos why she was leaving her marriage for Turner, a convicted rapist.

“I just really trust the guy,” DeVos said, “What can I say?”

DeVos tried to further explain herself.

“Personally, I think rapists have a hard enough time in this world, don’t you,” she asked rhetorically, “How much longer than three months are we supposed to punish poor Brock?”


In 2011, the Obama administration set out new guidelines under Title IX that drastically increased the role that the federal government had in mandating how schools should investigate and prosecute allegations of student-on-student sexual assault. DeVos has stated publicly that she thinks the Obama guidelines had the right intentions, but that they went too far. Secretary DeVos didn’t seem too interested in discussing the move at all, though, when she was seen exiting a movie theater with Mr. Turner, having just watched a screening of “IT,” which Mrs. DeVos said reminded her of President Trump “quite a bit.”

“Look, I’m sorry, but I’ve got a lot on my plate,” DeVos said, “and I don’t care about women getting raped until God makes a baby with it. So if you will excuse me, this nice, young swim champ and rapist and I are trying to enjoy our date.”

RELATED: Trump Orders DeVos to Hire Breitbart and InfoWars to Revise History Textbooks

Secretary DeVos and her education department have heretofore not released any data that shows an uptick in false rape or sexual assault allegations since President Obama’s policy was in place. However, there has been a documented increase in allegations of sexual assault. Many have argued that increase doesn’t necessarily show the frequency of sexual assaults has gone up, but rather that students, feeling more comfortable that they’d receive justice, have reported their allegations with more frequency. There is a partisan, political disagreement as to whether those increased allegations are valid accusations, but DeVos move seeks to roll back the Obama guidelines, regardless of their impact, one way or the other.

Ultimately, DeVos says that she understands if people are “shocked or angry” about her dating Turner. But, she says that she has no plans of leaving the swimming champion and convicted rapist. Not any time soon, anyway.

“We can’t help the rapists we fall in love with,” DeVos said.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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