Devin Nunes Swears He’ll Be Fair And Independent, Just As Soon He Finishes Trump Off

WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes (R-CA) has set the Hill ablaze with rampant speculation, accusation, and pontification. In a truly heretofore unprecedented move, Nunes as acting chairman of a congressional committee tasked with independent oversight of the Executive Branch shared classified information with Co-President Trump before even sharing it with the other members of his own committee. There are Democrats and Republicans alike that are both outraged and extremely cynical as to whether Nunes can truly continue on as the chair of the intelligence community.

An obviously flustered Nunes appeared on the video streaming service Periscope to address those concerns.

“Look everyone,” Nunes said, looking right into the lens of his iPad, “I want to assure you, the American public, as well as my colleagues on the intelligence committee, that I am fully capable of being fair and independent. I will run the investigation into Russian interference with those same qualities. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish blowing the co-president.”

That’s when the Periscope feed pulled back to reveal that Congressman Nunes was broadcasting from within the West Wing; the Lincoln Bedroom to be exact. Co-President Trump would later tell aides — according to the kinds of anonymous sources that Trump likes sometimes if they’re about his adversaries — because he wanted to “make a Republican [his] bitch in the most Republican room in this dumpy shit hole.”

Co-President Trump was just out of frame of Nunes’ Periscope feed. However, a voice that sounded like a chain smoking fourth grader with the hygiene habits of a mollusk could be clearly heard in the background throughout the stream, seeming to confirm Mr. Trump’s presence in the room. Before returning to the business of providing pleasure to the president orally, Nunes again addressed the camera.

“Maybe I broke protocol,” Nunes admitted, pausing to playfully lap at the president’s lap, “but I did not…do…anything…to…compromise…myself.”

Congressman Nunes would insist throughout the remaining twelve and a half seconds of the Periscope it took for Mr. Trump to release his bio-matter in an orange, foamy, sulfurous dribble that he was just “doing [his] job” the way he believed he was supposed to. Nunes was inexplicably speaking in Russian.

“I pride myself on being honest with not only the American people,” Nunes said as he wiped his hands and mouth, “but also with myself. In no way did I violate any ethical barriers today. Okay? So tomorrow, we’ll wake up. The sky will be as green as the lights on your street that safely remind you to stop at all intersections. I did not violate my oath of office, just as much as the Easter Bunny WILL be visiting all good boys and girls and shitting out tiny chocolate eggs with crucifixes inside in just a couple weeks.”

Nunes, having cleaned his hands and mouth and gargled with mouthwash, took one last opportunity to address his audience while Trump patted him on the head, called him a “good little boy,” and put a five dollar bill on the dresser, winking, and leaving the Lincoln Bedroom.

“All of what I’m saying right now is one-hundred percent true,” Congressman Nunes said, “and it’s completely accurate and if you doubt me you’re probably a communist or a deep state actor, deeply burrowed into our government, trying to attempt a bloodless coup on behalf of the liberal elitist intelligentsia. Obviously.”

This is a disgusting and developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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