Devin Nunes Sues His Mom For Not Telling Him He’s a Whiny Bitch Sooner

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, Congressman Devin Nunes of California announced that he was suing Twitter and three of its users specifically — two of which were anonymous “troll” accounts devoted to mocking him — for $250 million. Mr. Nunes claims he is entitled to a quarter of a billion dollars because Twitter, in allowing the accounts “@DevinNunesMom” and “@DevinCow” to exist without suspension, they showed a “political bias” and trampled his First Amendment rights by “shadowbanning” him. Many have questioned whether the suit has any merit, and given Nunes’ close relationship to a president who favors PR stunt lawsuits to try and silence his critics, some feel this suit will be dismissed rather quickly.

Today, however, Nunes continued to file lawsuits. This time, he’s filed a new suit against someone rather surprising — his own mother.

“First of off, she she should have told me that she wasn’t that @DevinNunesMom account, because I told that account some really personal stuff about me that only my mom knows,” Nunes told reporters in the rotunda this morning. “Now I’m afraid everyone will find out I got a tattoo of me kissing the president’s ass on my own as a tribute to Dear President.”

Wiping tears, Nunes continued.

“Second of off, I’m suing my mom because she should’ve tolden me I was little bitch a long time ago! If she had only set me down and told me that I’m a thin-skinned, little whiny baby boy,” Nunes insisted, “I wouldn’t get mocked so mercilessly! I’d have found a job that lets me be in an incompetent boot licker outside public scrutiny and criticism!”

Rep. Nunes believes that “deranged and deluded libtards” who are “barely American anyway” should not be allowed to “just mock elected officials willy-nilly.” Instead, he thinks Americans should have to prove their trustworthiness to say things that “please the president and no one else.”

“They should have to pass a test to use their Free Speech! What do they think their speech is, a gun,” Nunes said in a mocking tone. “The Constitution doesn’t protect you from being punished by a government official for telling them off or something! Does it? Does it? Oh sweet Jesus it does? Great, now I look like an even bigger bitch, MOM!”

Congresman Nunes hasn’t ruled out suing other family members, or even filing a class action law suit against “literally anyone and everyone” who said, tweeted, or even thought a negative thought about him.

“You’re not allowed to hurt my feelings! That’s, like, totally a law and stuff, guys. But,” Nunes concluded, “I figure if she’d had raised me better, anonymous accounts on social media platforms wouldn’t trigger me so hard I had to sue them like the sad little bee-otch I am.”

At the end of it all, Nunes says he will sue whoever he has to in order to protect himself, and the president.

“I carry his water. I’m his soyboy-beta-cuck. He tells me to jump, and before he’s even finished the word, I’m plummeting to my death,” Nunes said, beaming with pride. “I don’t expect Democrats to understand it. But you’re darn right I will sue Twitter accounts if I have to protect my ego or his! A nation’s greatest resources are the un-hurt feelings of corrupt politicians and white collar criminals pretending to be world leaders.”

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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