Devin Nunes: ‘Only 10,000 Benghazis’ Not Worth Shutting Down Economy Over COVID-19

DIPSHIT, CALIFORNIA — On September 11th, 2012, a terrorist attack was carried out on a U.S. consular building in Benghazi, Libya. During the attack, four Americans lost their lives, and the attack has become a major talking point and criticism of the Obama administration for American conservatives. Conspiracy theories regarding the attack and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ordering a “stand down” and not rushing help to those under siege have flourished in fringe right-wing circles, even eight years later.

According to one of President Trump’s most vocal defenders, the four Americans who died in the Benghazi attack “far outweigh” the over 43,000 Americans who have died as a result of complications from a COVID-19 infection.

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“Shutting down enormous parts of our economy is every day starting to feel more and more like another crazy, loony, left-wing power grab by the Democrat Party and their cohorts in the socialist media,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Cornhole) said during an episode of his new podcast. “I have to say, to me personally it’s looking more and more foolish all the time. I mean, maybe 43,000 Americans dying sounds bad, but folks, that’s only 10,000 Benghazis.”

Nunes warned governors throughout the country that they’ll only see “bigger and bigger protests” like the ones witnessed over the past weekend if they don’t start “immediately opening up” their states’ economies.

“You think watching a zombie movie is scary? Just wait until a bunch of angry, bitter white ladies can’t get their nails done,” Nunes said. “Good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, science hating patriots will take to the streets, yes, armed if they must, and they will take back the malls. They will siege and seize the restaurants and bars! They will not stop until they’ve forced you open everything back up, because they understand how incredibly insulting it is to value the American heroes who died at Benghazi 10,000 times less than the Americans who have died from the coronavirus.”

Congressman Nunes announced that he “fully and completely supports” President Trump taking more drastic measures if necessary to force businesses to re-open, whether or not their state’s governor has lifted their stay-at-home orders. Nunes, who decries socialism and communism at every chance he gets, encouraged Trump to “take matters into his diminutive, but powerful hands” and to “seize the ways Americans can produce things” to force open the economy. Nunes says it’s that kind of “bold leadership and unrepentant hypocrisy” that makes Trump the best president of his lifetime.

“You see, it’s just like when Dear President Trump started giving all that bailout money to the farms, or when he tries to bully companies on Twitter into doing things that will help the stock market, and in turn his political career,” Nunes said, “Sometimes you have to do things you’d never let a Democrat, or worse a BLACK Democrat get away with, in order to stay in power. Because if Republicans aren’t in power, we have to start acting like the 20th and 21st centuries happened, and nothing is more un-American than that!”

In a show of solidarity with the protesters, Nunes says he’s planning on taking part in a mission to “liberate” his local Chick-Fil-A.

“I will not rest until my brothers and I are eating fried chicken sandwiches made in God’s image,” Nunes vowed. “I will do this for America, but more importantly, for our Dear President Trump, without which there literally isn’t an America to defend.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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