LAMB’S BREATH, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), is a 2016 Republican presidential candidate, no matter what the poll numbers might suggest to the contrary. In most surveys of potential or likely GOP voters, Cruz is placing rather abysmally, though he recently said that his low numbers in the polls were “more a sign of the liberal biases of every single, solitary poll no matter who conducts them then of [his] completely unelectable demeanor, decorum, and personality.”
Yet, despite Cruz’s ever-present hubris and confidence, sources close to the Cuban-Canadian-American-Texan (in that order, according to Cruz’s official bio) say that he knows he has to start making gains on everyone in front of him. He plans to do this, those same sources told The Political Garbage Chute, by steering even further to the right on immigration than the likes of Donald Trump, Scott Walker and Jeb!, who have all come out in either full-throated or tacit approval of repealing birthright citizenship for children born in the United States, regardless of their parents’ legal status.
“It’s not just enough,” Cruz will argue in a new stump speech provided by anonymous campaign staffers to us, “to say children born of illegal immigrants aren’t citizens. We have to expel them as soon as we find them, lest they anchor themselves to our social safety net, breed, and — please don’t vomit on me my fellow Americans when I say this next part — they or their spawn will end up voting. And you don’t think these foreigners from a far off and strange land known as ‘Me-hee-coh’ will have our good, clean, Christian, ammo-hoarding values do you,” Cruz will ask rhetorically. “Of course they won’t,” he’ll answer himself adding, “they’re just breeding Democrats, pure and simple, and that has to stop.”
It’s then that Cruz is expected to unveil his idea for a trebuchet, or catapult to be erected at the southern border between the U.S. and Mexico. The catapult would then be used to forcibly eject any babies born to undocumented migrants. Cruz says that his catapult will “speed up the deportation of these potential Democratic anchor babies” and “secure a better future for our country with outright jingoism.”
“The best part,” Cruz will tell his supporters, “is that the Mexican people are going to be forced to pay for this themselves. If they don’t, we’ll simply invade them, if I’m president. Because it’s been far too long since we grabbed our manifest destiny and expanded our borders.” Senator Cruz also will tell rally attendees that “the catapult can be built to pile multiple anchor babies into, so that we can eject them by the dozen.”
“We all know that all human life is sacred, and it begins at the moment a sperm cell is formed in a man’s testicles,” Cruz will also say, “but we also all know that the right to life isn’t a right to a good life, just a plain, shitty life, unless you happen to be rich. Then of course, the sky’s the goddamned limit. But my point is that we will fight for that unborn little Mexican devil’s right to be born, and then we will put that little precious bundle of Mexican evil into a catapult and fire his butt right back over the border, where he belongs, of course.”
We asked Cruz staffers what he plans to do with children of undocumented immigrants that aren’t from Mexico and were told “Senator Cruz doesn’t believe the lamestream media myth about immigrants, and knows that no matter what country they’re born in, they’re Mexicans and should be treated as such.”
This story is developing and will be updated as more details about the catapult are released.