DeSantis: “I’ll Worry About Kids Getting COVID When They’re Old Enough to Vote”

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — This morning, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) continued his public feud with schools and districts in his state who are resisting his order banning mask mandates. The COVID-19 delta variant is raging in several hot spots throughout America, and DeSantis is governor of the state that is in many regards being hit the hardest. However, he has continuously resisted and even dismantled public health precautions, insisting that he was defending freedom and liberty when others criticized him for putting children, many of whom remain unvaccinated, in harm’s way.

At a press conference announcing that he’d named the drug Regeneron as his new Secretary of Health, Gov. DeSantis blasted those who have questioned why he’s forcing children back to school without vaccines and also without basic protections like face masks, calling them “soyboy commie cucks” who “hate America, freedom, hamburgers, God, gravy, and guns.” DeSantis accused liberals of “fundamentally misunderstanding” his motivations.

Greene Asks Taliban for Advice on Overthrowing a Government to Install a Right-Wing Theocracy

“Hey, hey, hey! SHUT THE FUCK UP,” DeSantis shouted at a reporter who asked him to comment on the rising number of children contracting COVID in his state. “YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE PRESS AND HAVE NO RIGHTS HERE. YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE. But if you will just shut your treacherous mouth and listen, I will explain it to you and your George Soros-funded so-called media outlet.”

DeSantis explained that he is “deeply concerned” about children in Florida, but that his concern “stops when the baby comes out of the mommy” and that until children later become eligible to vote, they are “on their own and need to use their boot straps” to survive.

“I’ll worry about kids getting COVID when they’re old enough to vote okay? Clearly I do not want to kill off more of my base than I need to in order to enact social Darwinism properly here in the Penile State,” DeSantis said smugly. “But in the grand scheme of things, these eight and nine year olds have just as much personal responsibility to take care of their own shit as anyone else living in this state has.”

Over 10,000 children from just one Florida district are quarantined due to outbreaks of the delta variant of COVID-19. DeSantis will be up for re-election in 2022.

Greene and Boebert File Articles of Impeachment Against Hunter Biden

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This