TALAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — Teachers in America’s Dong State are forbidden from discussing the halftime show presented at Super Bowl LVI this past weekend, according to a new order signed by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q).
On Sunday, legends of hip hop took to the stage during the halftime of the championship game played between the Los Angeles Rams and the Cincinnati Bengals. The show gave artists like Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Mary J. Blige a chance to play some of their biggest hits in front of a massive hometown crowd in a celebration of music born from the Los Angeles area. The show featured black culture as its core theme, and rapper Eminem even took a knee during his performance — a tribute to former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick and his attempts to raise awareness for Black Lives Matter.
Gov. DeSantis has already made moves to curb the discussion of race in Floriduh classrooms. Recently, he signed orders forbidding “Critical Race Theory” from being taught in schools. The governor cited that previous order when signing today’s.
“I’m sorry, but I have no choice but to academically cancel the Super Blow Ell-Vee-Eye half time show from our classrooms. Not only did it make me and my Miracle Whip analogue family uncomfortable, it was clearly a not-too-subtle attempt to bring up race in America,” DeSantis clucked his tongue. “It was the Critical Race Theory of halftime shows, and I won’t stand for Florida’s children being subjected to it. What’s wrong with a little John Phillips Souza and a fun book bonfire anyway?”
DeSantis urged parents to ensure that their DVRs have been wiped clean of any remnants of Super Bowl LVI, and asked them to consider recording old episodes of “Hee Haw” and “The Dukes of Hazard” instead.
“Even if you just record the scenes where you can see the roof of the General Lee for a few seconds, that’ll help. We have to push back folks. We have to take back our country from the Woketopian forces of Soros who want to enslave our kids by having honest discussions about real things that happened during their grandparents’ lifetimes,” DeSantis said, emotionally fighting back tears.
Then, DeSantis gave a warning to all Americans.
“It’s not just America’s wonderful flaccid penis that is threatened by primary sourced discussions of historical events. It’s every state in America. From sea to shining sea, if we let the liberals pump our kids full of hip hop and discussions of systemic racism, the Commies have literally already won, and I can’t speak for all of you, but I’m sure at least some of you out there don’t want the country dying of full-blown socialism.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.