Op-Ed: We Need to Leave Our Confederate Statues in Place, But Never Talk About Why They Exist

The following editorial was written and submitted by Floriduh Governor Ron DeSantis (Q). The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Gov. DeSantis, and not necessarily those of this outlet, its ownership, or staff.

As Governor of America’s Dong State, I know one thing for certain, and that’s what threatens the safety and security of my subjects. Of course I am speaking of the evils of Woke Liberalism, and that is why my administration has tried to do everything in its power to push back the sinister liberal agenda of not treating people like shit because they don’t have a gender identity I understand, and of attempting to have fact-based conversations about the history of racism in America.

My regime has made sure that we give our limited, small government, the power to listen into every conversation had between teachers and students. We don’t want kids learning about sex stuff or race stuff, frankly ever, but for sure we don’t want it happening early on, when young minds can be shaped so easily. I’m sorry, but I won’t apologize for ensuring that indoctrination and grooming in Florida happen where they belong — Matt Gaetz’ condo and Sunday School.

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As my team and I implement these new policies, I think now is a great time to revisit statues and monuments honoring heroes of the Confederacy. It’s vital that we protect these monuments, and keep them in place. If we remove those statues, we remove history, and we simply cannot remove history.

At the same time, though, we also cannot and should not talk about the who, what, where, when, or why of the statues. Students should not have history erased, but they should also not learn about history. This, of course, makes total sense and anyone denying it does is a Soyboy Beta Commie Cuck.

It’s just facts.

I’m afraid that without the protections I authorized, our classrooms could be filled with adults having honest discussions with students. Those discussions could lead to uncomfortable conversations between students and parents, and that is, quite frankly, the biggest threat America faces today — uncomfortable conversations.

Having uncomfortable conversations is not what the First Amendment is about. The First Amendment is about protecting my right as a Christian to tell you, a heathen commie, what to do, how to do it, and with whom. Anything else is a lie, probably invented by George Soros to destroy America from within.

The Supreme Court already settled this when they gutted the Voting Rights Act. Racism is OVER, America. We should be celebrating that fact and moving forward, ignoring any remnants of systemic racism we see today. Instead, let us embrace that racism is over!


I will die on this hill. I will fight to keep every confederate monument up, and at the same time fight just as tirelessly to make sure we never talk about the circumstances surrounding why the statues were built, and by whom. You have my word, America.

You have my word.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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