DeSantis: NASA Has to Rename Black Holes Because All Holes Matter in Florida

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is on a mission to de-woke his state.

During his terms in office, DeSantis has boldly barred Critical Race Theory in elementary through high school classes despite it not being taught in any of them, and he’s instituted sweeping bans on books that contain messages or themes of LGTBQ acceptance from school libraries as well. DeSantis has waged a war against Disney — the largest employer in Florida — because it disagreed with his anti-LGTBQ policies, and this morning he opened up a new line of attack on wokeness.

“I was listening to that lovely screeching racist broomstick in a blond wig…Tomi Lahren I think her name is? And she made a really good point about how woke NASA is,” DeSantis told reporters at a presser this morning. “She said it’s reverse-racist to call black holes, which are some of the most powerful things in space by the way, ‘black holes.’ Did anyone consult white people before giving all that power to the color black? Quite frankly, I’m upset at myself that I keep saying the word ‘black.’ It could really trigger some of my mayo-tinted constituents!”

DeSantis railed against “whoever the space nerds were” that first named the stellar phenomena “black holes,” and said they should all “pay a swift and terrible price for their reverse-racism.”

“I am giving those jerks at NASA one week to comply, or I will send the National Guard down to Cape Canaveral and arrests will be made,” DeSantis promised. “There is no one on Earth that can stop me from holding people accountable when they say things that hurt my feelings, or someone who is also white and conservative’s feelings.”

@jamboschlarmbo In #Floriduh #AllHolesMatter #satire #DeSantis #RonDeSantis #politics #politik #politicalsatire ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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