DeSantis: Florida History Books Must Remove White Wigs and Rouge from Images of Founders

With the stroke of his pen, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) ordered all history books in his state to be immediately removed from classrooms. Gov. DeSantis’ order attempts to legally force textbook publishers to remove depictions of the men who founded the country in the fashions of their time, and will allow the history books to be placed back in classrooms once the revisions are made.

“You all can imagine my shock and dismay when we got a tip on our Florida State Gender Inquisition line about every history book in Florida showing our Founding Slaveholders in very concerning outfits for men,” DeSantis said before signing the executive order. “Apparently, that’s not all either. He was wearing rouge, and fancy clothes that draped off him like a dress.”

DeSantis said he wouldn’t have signed the order if there were “just a couple of bad apples in the bunch,” but decided once he’d seen portraits of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams in powdered white wigs, he knew he had to act.

“Look, I am fine with the color of the wigs, obviously. But it made them look, well, you know, more effeminate, and that is very inappropriate for students in our public schools system to see,” DeSantis explained. “Imagine if we found out Jesus had long hair and wore long, flowy robes with smart sandals to pull the whole look together? It would be absolutely frightening, and I’d have every Bible in this state burned.”

The governor was asked if images of the founders’ feet would be acceptable, or if they’d have to be removed as well, given that styles of the 18th century would have meant they’d be shown wearing shoes with heels and lifts on them.

“No, the high heeled boots are fine,” DeSantis said quickly, forcing a laugh a little too hard. “I wear them, and I’m ruggedly masculine. Just ask the nice boy who cleans our pool every day between the hours of nine and six, while I’m at work.”

History book publishers have one week to comply, or they’ll face legal discipline up to and including the state taking over their business and forcing Disney to publish the books instead.


That Rascally #RonDeSantis is at it again in this #satire #florida #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #transrights #transgender #politik #political

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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