DeSantis Demands Floridians Call February “White People Have History, Too Month”

Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) signed an executive order today that will go into effect on February 1st, and will demand that all Floridians stop calling February “Black History Month.”

“With a stroke of my mighty pen,” DeSantis said while wearing fabulous white Go-Go boots, “I have struck a blow against intolerable, woke, anti-white reverse racism. Now, starting on February first, all Floridians must call it White People Have History, Too Month.”

Beaming with pride, DeSantis explained to reporters that this new order coincides with his other “anti-woke” policy positions.

“Whether it’s trying to legally erase and disappear LGTBQ people from existence, making abortion just about illegal here, banning books, or making it illegal to talk about racism, one thing I have been laser focused on is making sure my government is small and unobtrusive,” DeSantis said. “So that’s why my government is small enough to cram in your pussy, hide in your kid’s school library or classroom, or sneak into your kid’s doctor’s office to make sure you aren’t talking about gender theory with them.”

DeSantis hopes that forcing every Floridian to acknowledge white people during Black History Month accomplishes two goals.

“First, it better own the libs. Because, as we learn in this state in elementary history class, Abraham Lincoln told Teddy Roosevelt that one time — owning the libs is all that stands between freedom and liberty,” DeSantis said, “but I also hope it inspires just one mayo-tinted kid out there in the Everglades to think to himself he can do anything he wants to and the lack of pigment in his skin won’t be a barrier to his success. Has there ever been such a time in this country, where white boys could have such confidence in the system?”

@jamboschlarmbo #RonDeSantis is a fascist joke, but this TikTok is just a joke. #satire #politics #politik #AP #Democrat #liberal #progressive ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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