DeSantis Orders February Removed from All School Calendars

Today, the first day of February, marks the beginning of Black History Month. Except that is, in Florida’s schools. A new order signed by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) will force teachers in the state to strip February out of all school calendars and instead refer to this month as “White People Have History, Too” Month.

At a signing ceremony earlier this morning, DeSantis removed his pointy white hood so he could be understood better, and explained his thought process to reporters.

“Listen, this is just another step in our War on Woke here in America’s Dong Shaped State, okay? Maybe in Marxist, coastal elitist states you have Black History Month, but I’m sorry, I can’t help but get a little emotional thinking of all the mayo-tinted kids in those states who will grow up unsure about whether white people have history too,” DeSantis said, wiping tears from his eyes before they ran down to his white go-go boots.. “Sure, they focus on white history literally every other month in the school year, but is that enough?”

Former President Donald Trump, who many feel is gearing up for a 2024 showdown with DeSantis for the Republican Party’s presidential nomination, blasted the DeSantis order. However, Trump didn’t criticize it for being an overreach of gubernatorial powers. Instead, Trump said the order “proves what a weakling li’l bitch” DeSantis is.

“Oh, Ronny DeSanctimonious took away February from Florida schools? BORING! If I were still President, which, technically I still am if you ask Mike Lindell, Kari Lake, and the vets who take care of my unicorn herd,” Trump wrote on Truth Social, “I would lock up every URBAN until they gave me their solemn oath they’d never learn about their own history again, and then I’d shred the Emancipation Proclamation and terminate the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments. Ron’s too soft! Always has been! Sad!”

@jamboschlarmbo Oh, Ron. #DeSantis #BlackHIstoryMonth #satire #politicalsatire #politik #politics #February ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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