DeSantis Wants $6 Billion to Build Bonfire Pits at Every Florida Library

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (Q) wants the state’s legislature to give his administration $6 billion in taxpayer funds so that public libraries can be retrofitted with bonfire pits. DeSantis, in an early morning press conference, explained why he wants libraries in Florida to be able to burn books on site.

“Look, I’ve said this for quite sometime now, but if the Woke Left would simply let me burn books, I wouldn’t have to ban them,” DeSantis explained, “well, guess what? I won my re-election last year with a margin so large, I now know I have a mandate to do whatever I want. So what I want to do is have every book that remotely threatens the peace of mind of my white friends here in Florida incinerated.”

DeSantis said “it makes perfect financial sense” for Florida’s taxpayers to foot the bill for the fire pits he wants installed at every public library in the state.

“Just think about all the money we spent hauling books from libraries all the way to our central burn site. Truck fuel isn’t free, folks, and I think in the long run that if we let libraries burn their books right there at their own locations,” DeSantis explained, “we’ll save a lot of money on fuel costs alone! Not to mention we can hire special media inspectors who can live 24/7 at the libraries and make real-time decisions as to what it’s legal for Floridians to read and what is not.”

@jamboschlarmbo #DeSantis really hates the idea of kids learning and reading. #satire #politicalsatire #RonDeSantis #Floriduh ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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