DeSantis Demands to Know Why Biden Hasn’t Also Shot Down Any Big Black Balloons

An angry Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) lashed out at the Biden administration for what he called an “obvious and deliberate attack of reverse racism” this morning during a press conference.

Gov. DeSantis was dedicating a new book burning wing at the local Tallahassee library this morning when he was asked about Biden ordering a Chinese balloon — which many on the right accused of “spying” on the American people — to be shot down this weekend. Unlike the vast majority of his fellow Republicans, however, DeSantis did not agree that the balloon should have been shot down, particularly not on orders from President Biden. Instead, DeSantis questioned why other balloons of “non-white ethnicities” were not similarly shot down by the Biden administration.

“I guess I’m just curious why the big, white balloon had to be shot down, but we don’t hear about big black balloons one little bit. I’m sorry, but that big white bag of hot air reminded me of my old pal Rush Limbaugh,” DeSantis explained, “so I was just personally kind of hoping that it’d get to stay aloft a little while longer. Instead, the Woke Forces of Reverse Racism employed by Joe Biden shot down that big, beautiful, non-pigmented balloon, and that’s just sad. Racist and sad.”

DeSantis then announced a new program backed by Floridian tax dollars.

“So that’s why from this day forward, any resident of the Great Dong-Shaped State of Florida who uses their crisp white sheets or even robes and hoods to build a hot air balloon, will be given a thousand percent break on their property taxes,” DeSantis said, “and if they use natural gas from their stoves to fill up their big, white balloons, we’ll double that discount! We won’t let the forces of woke or even the forces of intelligence dictate what happens here in Florida!”

DeSantis was later rushed to a hospital when he called a crosswalk signal “big government overreach,” and stepped out into traffic, getting clipped by a speeding Pontiac GTO in the process. Unfortunately for America, DeSantis is expected to make a full recovery.

@jamboschlarmbo #RonDeSantis is always laser focued on the big issues of the day. #satire #DeSantis #Floriduh #woke #politics #politik #political #chinesespyballoon ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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