Deranged, Delusional, Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist Escorted Out of White House Onto Air Force One

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shouting, orange, mentally unstable man was seen being escorted by Secret Service agents off White House grounds early this morning. From underneath a very unconvincing comb-over, the man screeched out popular right-wing conspiracy theories while being flanked on all sides by agents. The same man, who one witness described as “deranged and delusional,” was later seen being put into Air Force One.

“Obama tapped me,” the man was heard shouting at reporters as the Secret Service hustled him into a waiting car, “The Deep State is trying to do a bloodless coup! Did you just see all those Muslims celebrating in the street?”

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One White House staffer said that she was still “shocked and surprised” that the man was on the grounds and that “usually people like that are kept as far away from positions of power and government, not allowed to roam free and go wherever they please.” Aides say they were relieved to find out the man had been escorted out of the president’s residence, but still very cautious, knowing he’d likely return after just a few hours, barking commands, putting his feet up on the sofa, and watching thirteen straight hours of Fox News.

“What about Hillary’s Russia deal,” the man yelled at the press pool as he exited the car and was moved toward Air Force One, “There was a second gunman on the grassy knoll! Greedo shot first! Mexico is sending us rapists and drug dealers on purpose! Breitbart is legitimate journalism!”

This same man has been repeatedly seen wandering the halls of the White House ever since some time late in January, sources say. Aides say they still aren’t quite used to the idea of this man being there. But, it’s “becoming less and less horrifying as the numbness of it all sets in,” one source close to the situation told us.

“Quite frankly,” one White House staffer said, “I’ve been here for twenty-five years and three different administrations. Things are so whackadoodle around here right now, that it doesn’t really surprise me to find out a crazy guy is consistently walking around here. In fact, the bigger question is how we start to separate the good crazy from the bad crazy.”

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The concerns of the presidential detail were founded, it appears, as later in the day the same orange, deranged, delusional, paranoid conspiracy theorist was seen being escorted back onto the grounds of the White House. Later, the man was seen standing behind a podium in the Rose Garden, giving a speech. The seal of the President of the United States of America was on the podium.

“Great day today, really great day, bigly great,” the deranged, orange psychopath said, “lots of good stuff happening in this country, if you ignore all the bad stuff.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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