Depressed Dick Cheney Pines For Another National Tragedy To Exploit

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UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, WYOMING — While many in America will be spending the next few days remembering the events of September 11th, 2001 with sorrow and reflective mourning, perhaps no man in America will be doing so with as much sorrow and reflective mourning as former Vice-President Dick Cheney. For some, remembering the 9/11 attacks that left the World Trade Center in massive piles of rubble, a gigantic hole in the Pentagon, and even bigger hole in our collective consciousness for the thousands of lives lost in just one morning. For Cheney, 9/11 anniversaries now mean being reminded that he is no longer in a position to “take a national tragedy and spin it into fine, luxurious gold,” according to the former Secretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush.

“There is no doubt,” Cheney told The Political Garbage Chute this week, “that whenever the anniversary of 9/11 comes up, I am bombarded with all these feelings. I remember what it was like in the days after the attacks, when we were so desperate to figure out exactly how we were going to deflect the country’s attention to Iraq, because that’s where I had wanted to be the whole time. Why else would I have helped Dubya completely ignore the intelligence we got about an imminent attack, if I wasn’t solely focused on ending the conflict with Saddam that I’d helped orchestrate about a decade earlier,” Cheney asked rhetorically.

According to Cheney he was able to “rise above the distraction of 9/11” and “use some really great verbal trickery to sell the American people” on the idea that the attacks that befell the nation on 9/11 were part of a larger conspiracy, spurred by radical Islam and that had direct ties to Hussein in Iraq. Cheney said it was “his finest and proudest moment” when he went on “Meet the Press” and “sold the country a bill of goods so sweet it all but guaranteed Haliburton’s profits would skyrocket for years to come!”

But, says Cheney, the years after he left the Executive Branch have left him feeling “cold and empty inside, and not just because [his] chest cavity is literally empty except for two 9-volt batteries and some tin foil keeping everything moving.” He’s realized that “the best and really only place you can orchestrate war of choice is from the Executive.”

“It’s just so hard to exploit a national tragedy when you’re not in a position to be in front of the cameras all the time,” Cheney said while continuing, “I remember those glorious, Halcyon days leading up the world’s most logical and necessary war, when it seemed like no matter what I said, I could spin it into an excuse to go to war with Iraq.” A small tear could be seen to be forming in Cheney’s left ocular receptor. It was quickly dabbed away by a man in a white lab coat that seemingly appeared out of nowhere as Cheney continued speaking.

The former-Vice President said that he is “very proud of all we accomplished in Iraq” and that he “even considered running for president this time around to try and bring this country back to where it belongs — making little brown people go boom for profit.”

“I’m pretty sure when this great nation was formed, our Founders knew that the best way to secure our future is to destabilize entire regions of the planet,” Cheney said, “and I’m proud of my contribution to that effort. Sure, Obama and his terrible deal he signed with might look preferable to war on paper, but let me ask you something. How does signing a peace accord help my bottom line? How does stabilizing a region in any way make me more money? Isn’t that what this country is about — Dick Cheney making tons of money?”

Cheney stopped for a moment. “So yeah, I get depressed thinking about my best war mongering days being behind me. I get depressed thinking about how I may never get the chance to send thousands of people who are decades younger than I am to their deaths so that I can buy a couple more homes for my family estate,” Cheney swirled his coffee mug in his hand. “What can I say? I was built for blood whoring, and I haven’t been able to do much of that recently, so I’m a little bummed out. Sue me.”

“I just hope that the next president has the sense that this president doesn’t have,” Cheney said as the interview was winding down. “I hope the next president has his patriotic duty in mind. I hope the next president is a rock-ribbed Republican who understands that only through eschewing diplomacy in favor of pointless wars we can’t really win a safer tomorrow for today,” Cheney paused one more time, “but I guess I’m the asshole for wanting to parlay the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians into a protracted, immensely costly war that makes my company even more successful and me even more ridiculously wealthy, aren’t I,” Cheney asked rhetorically.