House Democrats Hire Ken Starr to Investigate Steve Bannon’s White House Blowjobs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unforeseen chain of events, Democrats in the House of Representatives have hired attorney Ken Starr to head an investigation that centers around allegations White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci made against Co-President Steve Bannon.

“The House Democrats have retained the services of Mr. Kenneth Starr,” Rep. Bill Miller (D-CA) told reporters this morning, “after we read the stunning and frankly shocking interview with Anthony Scaramucci in The New Yorker yesterday.”

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Miller was referring to an interview that Scaramucci, the newly hired White House Communications Director, gave to Ryan Lizza of The New Yorker. The interview is already generating buzz, furor, and memes all over the social and traditional media channels. Scaramucci has scathing, completely “not safe for work” words for two people in particular in the interview — Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and co-President Bannon. Perhaps the most infamous quote to come out of the interview will be how “Mooch” described Bannon’s ego.

Scaramucci also told me that, unlike other senior officials, he had no interest in media attention. “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock,” he said, speaking of Trump’s chief strategist. (source)

“Look, as Democrats we’re actually on the side of getting the government out of our bedrooms,” Miller said, “but let’s face it — the GOP set a precedent during the Clinton years that any blowjobs that take place within the White House need to be investigated. Why? I don’t know. But they set that precedent and Democrats would be derelict in our duties not to honor that sacred precedent.

Rep. Miller says that while Bannon’s oral sex was different than Clinton’s, the “principle remains the same.”

“If someone is getting their dick sucked in the White House,” Miller said, “even if they’re sucking their own, the principle remains the same. We investigate. We get to the bottom of it. I’m not saying Bannon’s beejer rises to the level of impeaching him, but a president simply must show more caution when receiving oral than your average citizen. Only time will tell.”

At an early morning press conference, Starr announced his investigation and thanked the Democrats for the “renewed opportunity to grab some more fame and notoriety.”

“And also, it’s just a really huge honor to be doing what God clearly put me on this planet to do,” Starr said, “investigating ever single, solitary blowjob that goes down in the White House. I feel like Paul Revere riding his steed through New England shouting, ‘The blowjobs are coming! The blowjobs are coming!'”

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Scaramucci declined comment, stating he’s “never talking to you jerky jerk mouth reporters again.” Bannon’s assistant told us he was too busy buying Nazi paraphernalia on eBay to give a comment. President Trump, found on the 13th hole of his D.C. golf course said he was not happy with the hiring of Starr, but that he knows he friend will be exonerated.

“I’ve seen Steve’s dong,” Trump said, “and it is every bit the horror show you’d think it would be. In order for him to get it into his own mouth he’d have to have six ribs and his entire midsection removed, and he’d still need some kind of straw or something to suck the little grain of rice in his shorts up into his mouth.”

This is a developing story.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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