Democrats Ask Trump If He’d Like to Call For a Snap Election Now Too

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over 200 Congressional Democrats signed a letter to President Donald Trump, offering their support should he like to call for a snap election. The letter comes the next day after voters in the U.K. stripped Prime Minister Theresa May of her parliamentary majority. May herself had called for the special election, thinking she could further consolidate her party’s majority and strengthen her chances to pull of Brexit.

The election did not in any way turn out how May had hoped, and now it seems that her opponents are in a far better position. Though the U.S. Constitution makes no such provision for a president to call for a new election, the Democrats’ letter indicates they’d be willing to “waive all that happy horse shit” if Trump feels like calling for a special election to be held before the 2020 presidential election.

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“Mr. President,” the letter reads, “as much as you’re off to a rip-roaring start to your presidency, and as fun as it has been to watch people flounder, flounce, and ultimately have to recuse or resign in disgrace — sometimes in a cloud of speculation about their ties to Russia — we’ve been thinking that maybe you’d like to quit your job, but didn’t want to look like a beta cuck. We think we have a solution.”

Democrats from both the House and Senate signed the letter. In it, they offer to work closely with Republicans in Congress to grant the president temporary authority to call for a new election. As long as Trump agrees to hold the election before 2020, the Democrats pledge they will not stop him. The sooner he calls for it, the better, so say the Democrats.

“Don’t get us wrong, Mr. Temporary Co-President,” the letter teases, “as much as we’d like to see if you can drive your approval ratings into the single digits — a bigly feat we’re sure you’re more than capable of — we’re just getting a vibe lately like you’re in way over your skis and could use an excuse to cut bait and run.”

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In the letter, Democrats point to the fact that even members of Trump’s own party seem to be making embarrassing, degrading excuses for him.

“Paul Ryan told everyone you’re just new to this,” the letter reads, “which is basically him saying you’re in inexperienced, unqualified buffoon. We agree with that, with all our hearts. But aren’t you getting tired of your own party backhandedly insulting you, maybe even unwittingly, while they try to defend you? It’s only going to get worse from here, Mr. Barely President.”

The letter also indicates that Trump and his staff shouldn’t worry too much about what the Constitution says or doesn’t say about this idea of the Democrats’.

“It’s not like you really care about the Constitution to begin with,” the letter states, “what with you complaining about it being an ‘archaic system‘ and whatnot, right, Donny?”

Trump won the election last year on one of the slimmest margins in the Electoral College, as well as with the largest margin of defeat in the popular vote. Current Gallup polling — which has been taking the pulse of the American public’s faith in their chief executive for decades — shows Trump with just a 37% approval rating. The White House has not responded to the letter as of the time of publication.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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