COLD STONE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Cynthia Garrison says she will be “pissed as hell” if her fellow Democrats “become raging birthers” over Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) and his eligibility to become President of the United States.

Garrison, speaking to us just hours after the Federal Election Board declared Cruz a natural born citizen, told us that “the number of stupid Ted Cruz birhter memes” she’s seen in her Facebook feed from “friends that are die-hard Obama fans” is making her stomach queasy.

“Cruz’s birthplace doesn’t matter,” she told us angrily, “his idiotic views of the world do!”

Ms. Garrison then brought out her iPhone and Googled, “Ted Cruz on the issues,” and showed our reporter the results. “Look at this crap,” she told us, “he’s a Christian Dominionist for God’s sake. That means he truly believes God put Christians on the planet to rule over everyone. Tell me how that’s any different from the Taliban or Boko Haram or Al Qaeda or Daesh. And considering his penchant for the phrase carpet bombing, I don’t think you could even say that Cruz is more peaceful than those other groups.”

“He’s a religious whacko who thinks rape victims should carry their attackers’ babies to full term,” Garrison said, “the way he talks about Obamacare means he either doesn’t believe or is willfully hiding the fact that as flawed as it can be, it’s actually giving poor people vital access to health care they didn’t have before.”

With a shake of her head, Garrison said she is “just so saddened” when she sees “otherwise sensible liberals stoop to the shit that Trump and others did over Obama.”

“Honestly, it’s 2016 for cripe’s sake,” Garrison said at one point, “why do we even care what country someone was born in? Do imaginary lines on a map make up a person’s character, or do the words they speak and actions they take do that? It’s so 19th century to give a crap about that stuff. Don’t get me wrong, Cruz in the White House is like a world in the hen house, but can’t we attack him for his horrid views on minorities, women, LGBT folks and Muslims and not what country he popped out of his mother’s vagina in?”

Ultimately, Ms. Garrison told us, there is “one, massive, ugly, fascist, windbag of a bewigged asshole” of a reason for liberals to avoid birtherism.

“Donald Trump,” Garrison said with disdain dripping from her tongue, “he was one of the most outspoken Obama birthers, and now he’s attacking Cruz in the Republican primary over his birth status. If liberals want to be like Donald Trump they’ll keep hammering away at Cruz’s birthplace, but if they want to be smart voters they’ll attack the fact that he has 19th century ideals in a 21st century world.”