WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Joe Manchin of West Virginia is a Democrat. At least, that’s what all the official paperwork seems to indicate. According to Sen. Joe Manchin he also opposes the current agenda of the Democratic Party.

“I’m a red state Democrat, okay? In most states, that would actually make me a Republican,” Manchin said during a recent interview with Center-Right Weekly. “But in a state where being white is still something you can list as a ‘special skill’ on job applications, I’m like a cross between AOC and Fidel Castro. That being said, I’m still a Democrat, through and through. I just so happen to oppose just about everything the Democrats want right now.”

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Sen. Manchin has said he doesn’t want to eliminate the filibuster, even though it might be the only way for a renewed voting rights act to get over the objections of congressional Republicans.

“Look, I want everyone to be able to vote,” Manchin explained, “but I also want some special attention, just for me. So, what can we do to make me feel special enough to support letting people of color and poor people vote like the rest of us?”

Manchin is also against any of the new gun law reforms proposed by his fellow Democrats in the wake of two deadly mass shootings in less than a week in Boulder and Atlanta.

“Do we really have enough guns in America? I mean, what if my constituents WANT to have sixty semi-automatic rifles,” Manchin asked rhetorically. “Don’t my gun loving redneck hillbilly voters matter more than the millions of other Americans?!”

Manchin was careful during the interview, however, to not be completely absolutist. There is a “chance,” he said, that he’d change his mind on a number of progressive initiatives proposed by his party that he’s publicly said he’d not vote in support of.

“All my party has to do is lick my butthole, a tiny bit. Just, you know, stroke my ego. As a rich, white man, that’s really all it takes,” Manchin said. “Praise me, kiss my ass, and then promise me something in return. Then I’ll, like, support a living wage for poor people or whatever.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.