Dear Liberals: You Will Pry Mr. Potato Head’s Penis From Our Cold, Dead Hands

EDITOR’S NOTE: The following op-ed was submitted to The Pastiche Post by Ben Shapiro, Glenn Beck, Dave Rubin, Dan Bongino, and Your Uncle Who Watches OAN. The views and opinions expressed below are those of the authors, and do not necessarily reflect those of this publication, its management, or ownership.

Look, liberals, you might think that you’re going to get away with this. But you are not. You will never take away Mr. Potato Head’s penis. You may try. You may come for it, but you will pry Mr. Potato Head’s perfect, precious, tater-dong from our cold, dead hands.

Sure, Hasbro has already said that they never were going to change the names of the toys themselves, just the line name, to “Potato Head,” but that doesn’t mean we won’t latch onto this issue for literally the rest of our lives and drag it up in every discussion we can. That’s because we will never let you cancel what we love. Cancelling things is disgusting and un-American.

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The free market should decide what people have access to, and when the free market decides, for instance, that racist imagery and words in Dr. Seuss books shouldn’t be republished, then white, middle-aged men should step in and correct the mistake of the free market. That’s just how it works, and how it will always work, for now and forever.

Fair warning – you may try to drag us down into the morass and you may try to turn this country into a dystopia of cultural Marxism and elite intelligentsia. We will stop you. Every time. Because we, the white conservative men of America, know best what you want, what you should want, and what you’re going to get, frankly. We will always stand in your way as you try to cancel the things we love.

Make no mistake – this isn’t some uppity URBAN athlete quietly kneeling to protest police brutality and homicide. This isn’t fried potatoes you’re renaming because you’re offended that a foreign country didn’t support our war effort in Iraq. Heck, this isn’t even like trying to turn women into sex slaves to the state by stripping them of their bodily agency! YOU ARE TRYING TO CANCEL A POTATO PENIS AND WE WILL NOT AND CANNOT LET YOU DO THAT.

Enough of your silliness. We demand you be serious, because the fight for the sanctity of a plastic potato toy’s genitals is not the fight we were looking for, but it’s the fight of our lives and one we will win.

So, come and take it, libs! We dare you…come and take Mr. Potato Head’s potato peenween. You will fail, and we will stand victorious. Because we are all that stands in the way of America being a nicer, more inclusive, accepting society, which is truly the most disgusting thing imaginable.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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