DEA Agent in Colorado Explains Why the Drug War Has Totally Kept People off Pot

DENVER, COLORADO — Henry Jorgenson has been an member of the Drug Enforcement Agency since 1995. Despite the growing sentiment in the country that at least certain aspects of the so-called “War on Drugs” have been failures, and even though states like the one he lives in have moved to legalize the recreational use of marijuana, Jorgenson feels those criticisms are empty.

“I think the War on Drugs has clearly kept people off pot,” he told us, “I mean, you never hear of any famous musicians, athletes, or politicians enjoying marijuana these days, do you?”

We showed Agent Jorgenson pictures of Miley Cyrus, gold medal Olympian swimmer Michael Phelps, and President Barack Obama, all of whom have admitted to smoking pot either presently, or quite voraciously in the past in Obama’s case. Jorgenson took a few moments to study the pictures.

“Okay, sure, fine, but look at cocaine. When’s the last time you saw people doing coke,” he asked indignantly.

We showed him a picture of the City of Hollywood, Miami Beach, and the country of Colombia. Jorgenson again took a few minutes to think. He scratched at his chin.

“Alright. So people are still pretty much using pot and coke whenever they want,” Jorgenson said, before raising his finger in the air, “but HEROIN! Now there’s a drug that’s totally on its way out, right?”

Then our reporter took out her smart phone and Googled, “Maine heroin epidemic.” Jorgenson said that was just one state and didn’t mean anything. So our reporter googled “New Jersey heroin epidemic.” That was only two out of fifty states, Jorgenson objected. Our reporter showed him a New York Timearticle that cited a 39% increase in heroin-related deaths, among other alarming stats.

“Well, goddamn it. Okay, what about meth,” Jorgenson asked. Our reporter simply showed him an episode of “Breaking Bad” and asked him if he thought that show would have been so popular if meth wasn’t part of American culture at the moment. Agent Jorgenson didn’t reply.

When our interviewer asked Jorgenson if he thought the rise of prescription pill abuse showed a blind spot in the DEA’s focus on mostly “street drugs.” Agent Jorgenson scoffed at this question.

“Umm, no. Those are doctor drugs, and doctor drugs are different,” he told us. When asked what makes them different he said, “Because we’d be locking up a lot more white people for drug offenses, duh-doy!”

We asked Agent Jorgenson where he was headed after the interview. He told us he was headed to a local micro brew pub that he goes to every Wednesday to “get totally fucked-up drinking.” He also said he was going to stop by a liquor store and buy a pack of smokes.

Irony couldn’t be reached for comment.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This