David Daleiden Releases Video Showing Law Enforcement Destroying His Apartment With the Death Star

MENDACITO VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — At a press conference in a small California town not far from his apartment that was raided by California Department of Justice agents, David Daleiden — the Center for Medical Progress founder who became famous last year when he released a series of “sting” videos he claimed showed Planned Parenthood sells aborted fetal tissues and body parts for profit — showed members of the media a new video he has produced, which he claimed “shows just how vile, evil and contemptible the government’s attack on unborn life” is.

“In this video, you can clearly see me walking to the door,” Daleiden said as he narrated the video he was playing for the press, “and you see the agents serve me the warrant, and then, you can clearly see in the next frame the Death Star commences its primary ignition and blows up my apartment, here.” The video then abruptly cut away from Daleiden’s apartment to a high level view of a planet being absorbed by a green laser and then blown to bits.

Mr. Daleiden, who is under investigation both in Texas and now California for how he constructed the now infamous Planned Parenthood videos, told reporters his new video was “shot and edited in the same, totally above board way” his other videos were created. He said you can trust them because “reasons” and he “says so.”

“Of course you can trust the validity of all my videos,” Daleiden said. When asked by a reporter why he was crossing his fingers behind his back he said, “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were standing behind me. My bad. Here, take this,” and he handed a piece of paper to the reporter, “it’s a deed for the London Bridge.”

As the new video finished playing, Mr. Daleiden told reporters he has “several other videos” in the works, and he gave some details as to what to expect in them.

“Well, there’s the video that shows Cecile Richards from Planned Parenthood finding aborted baby parts in the Ark of the Covenant when she goes searching for it with an archaeologist,” Daleiden said, “and there’s the one where Planned Parenthood executives hunt ghosts of aborted babies and then put them into a containment unit in New York City. And I have another video I’m working on that definitively proves Bigfoot and Nessie are both on Planned Parenthood’s payroll.”

To date, several states have held investigations based on the videos that Daleiden and his Center for Medical Progress released last year, and no evidence of selling aborted fetal tissue for profit has been uncovered.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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