Data Shows Jim Jordan 3x More Likely to Find Wife’s Clitoris Than Evidence Trump Won Election

Data from a newly published report seems to indicate that Rep. Jim Jordan (Q-OH) has a three-times better chance of finding his wife’s clitoris than he has of finding evidence that Donald Trump won the 2020 election. It’s unclear whether the new report from the National Research Place will change Congressman Jordan’s public rhetoric, but Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, lead researcher at the NRP, addressed his team’s report at a press conference held earlier this morning.

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“Admittedly, nobody should be subjected to thinking about Jim Jordan’s sexual activity, and yet when science calls, we must answer. So, we collected the data, analyzed it, and then did our double-blind peer review of the results. Suffice to say,” Hornaydieux explained, “what we found was quite conclusive. Jim Jordan is far more likely to find his wife’s clit than any evidence that the 2020 election was stolen from Don Trump.”

Hornaydieux went to great lengths to explain that both scenarios — Jordan finding his wife’s clit or evidence that Trump won — are extremely unlikely.

“But in the world of scientific research, that happens sometimes. We look into things that, at times, seem completely ridiculous and comical,” Hornaydieux said. “It’s the nature of the beast. But in this case, we can say rather definitively that it’s far more likely Jordan would find his wife’s clitoris than any evidence that would prove Trump won and not Biden.”

In a brief written statement, Congressman Jordan condemned the study and cast doubt on its entire premise.

“Clearly the National Research Place is funded by George Soros and/or someone else with a conscience who sees me for who I am. However, that’s not the reason this study’s results are preposterous. The simple truth is my wife hasn’t let me anywhere near her genitals since Dubya invaded Iraq,” Jordan’s statement reads. “So I’m not even remotely sure how they could have figured out how easily I can or can’t find my wife’s clit, and from what her boyfriend tells me, it’s not hard to find, so take that for what it’s worth, I guess.”

@jamboschlarmbo Good news for everyone who stays awake every night worrying about all the #abortion in America! #politics #politik #polititok #politok #prochoice #plannedparenthood #womensrights #political #politicaltiktok ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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