Daily American Greatness Tracker – Day 7

As the Trump administration gets ready to head into its second weekend in control of the country’s executive branch, it’s time again to measure just how great America has been made again since Donald Trump took office. While his campaign slogan to “Make America Great Again” may have sounded like an empty platitude at the time, as you can see from our highly-intensive alternatively pier-reviewed data, he has in fact made good good on his promise.

Today’s measurement shows a modest While the science of measuring American greatness is still in its relative infancy, the Trump team has listed the following factors for the spike:

  • President Trump had a better than average “morning dumper.” He hardly had to strain at all.
  • Steve Bannon finally got a bead on the Ark of the Covenant and he has some of his “guys” in position to unearth it, as long as they get there before that pesky archeaologist doesn’t get it first.
  • Jared Kushner, senior adviser and Trump’s son-in-law, brought the president a dougnut this morning. Jelly-filled. His favorite.
  • Kellyanne Conway’s artificial intelligence algorithm was tweaked just enough to where her expression shouldn’t go completely vacant and the smoke should stop coming out of her ears when she has to tell a pre-programmed lie, or “alternative fact.”
  • Russian President Vladimir Putin’s inaugural gift arrived at the White House. A bottle of vodka, and a massive double-ended dildo with a note attached, “For us, my little Trumpsky.”
  • President Trump was informed that somewhere some immigrant was given the cold shoulder by a Trump supporter.
  • While Mexico has repeated it won’t pay for the wall, President Trump got good news that the taxpayers will do so because they don’t really need healthcare or working bridges and roads.
  • Secretary of State nominee Rex Tillerson found his Rosetta Stone learn to speak Russian tapes and made copies for everyone in the cabinet. No reason.
  • Breitbart News published a story using a very flattering picture of President Trump, pleasing him greatly.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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