Daily American Greatness Tracker – Day 6

As the new day dawns, yet another edition of the American Greatness Tracker is ready for you. We’ve had almost one full, complete week of President Trump’s tenure in the Oval Office, and already we’ve seen wild fluctuations in American Greatness. Undeniably though, Trump has certainly made good on his campaign promise to Make America Great Again, because as our tracker shows, since President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) left office, American Greatness has soared, despite the sudden drop yesterday.

As you can see from the graph, though, that blip was momentary, and we are back on the road to making America great again, already. The White House released a statement listing the following factors in the surge in American Greatness in the last 24 hours.

  1. HUD Secretary Ben Carson found his keys and was able to get to work…three days late.
  2. Energy Secretary nominee Rick Perry learned how to spell “Energy” without a “E-N-E-R-G” head start.
  3. KellyAnne Conway’s alternative fact algorithm was tweaked and she no longer has smoke coming out of her ears when she lies.
  4. Steve Bannon bought some sweet Nazi silverware from Hitler’s private collection on eBay
  5. President Trump finally found a pair of gloves small enought to fit him…at Babies R Us.
  6. Vice-President Pence found a whole manifest of American vaginas he hadn’t registered yet.
  7. At least 1,234 Mexican Americans were sad about something in their lives.
  8. Ivanka Trump really liked the teddy that her dad got her, but was wondering why it didn’t have ears, was made of lace, and really showed off her “sweet, swet,tits,” as President Trump calls them.
  9. Eric Trump was not caught masturbating in the Lincoln Bedroom again…it was the West Wing foyer this time.
  10. President Trump “fuckin’ said so.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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