Daily American Greatness Tracker – Day 5

In a first for the American Greatness Tracker, America’s greatness has taken a massive hit. From yesterday’s high of 700% American Greatness, the country fell all the way to 125% of its greatness capacity. The White House released an urgent statement, saying that the drop in American greatness was “unforeseen” but they did have several ideas for what might have happened.

What follows are a list of the factors the Trump administration is citing for the drop in American Greatness from yesterday.

  • HUD Secretary appointee Ben Carson overslept for his first day on the job, and came in two late.
  • President Trump is “very sad” about how many people protested him and on how many continents this past weekend.
  • Steve Bannon hasn’t come up with the full list of non-white ethnicities that need to be purged.
  • Too many Nazis were punched and that also makes President Trump “very sad.”
  • Someone might have heard the words “climate change” without hearing “Chinese hoax” as well.
  • A Mexican man in his 20’s went all day yesterday without once being told to “go back to where [he] came from.”
  • An uppity gay couple in Vermont got married.
  • A black man was stopped by a white cop and no violence ensued because the cop treated the black man with the same respect he’d treat any suspect.
  • President Trump was extremely gassy.
  • No one told President Trump he had to be president all seven days of the week and he really wants his weekends back.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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