Daily American Greatness Tracker – Day 12

The Trump Administration has furnished various media outlets with the numbers needed to tabulate the current greatness quotient of America. During last year’s heated presidential election, Donald Trump ran on the slogan “Make America Great Again,” and we here at The Political Garbage Chute have been tabulating just how great America is, each and every day that President Trump is in office. Sure, the campaign slogan was just empty rhetoric, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make an earnest attempt to quantify and qualify just how great America has gotten since the alleged billionaire with tiny hands and a tinier dick took office, right? Right.

Today, you can see that the American Greatness quotient as skyrocketed in the last twenty-four hours. We have no reached the highest level of American greatness since Trump took office. Below are the factors that the Trump administration cited for the spike in American greatness.

Positive Factors:

  • Neil Gorsuch woke up anticipating the chance to help Republicans take back control over the country’s precious vagina inventory. And his boner was huge.
  • Steve Bannon finally made contact with Saruman the White and his progress has been relayed to the Dark Lord Sauron.
  • Trump’s son-in-law and top adviser Jared Kushner found the perfect coffins for he and his wife Ivanka to sleep in during the day.
  • Conservative pundit and Blaze TV firebrand Tammy Lahren’s “Final Thoughts” segment from last night was quite flattering to President Bannon.
  • President Trump tried to squeeze out ten  farts that felt like they could have a “chocolate surprise” waiting at the end of them, but managed to only sharted forty percent of the time.

Negative Factors:

  • President Trump’s daughter Ivanka wasn’t interested in playing “Find Daddy’s Sausage” yesterday.
  • Kellyanne Conway’s algorithm that makes her interact with humans in a convincing way was deleted, causing her to sputter nonsense for ten minutes. No one noticed a difference.
  • Jeff Sessions came out of the matchbox he lives in to declare himself “the saddest mouse on Earth” because he hasn’t been confimred as Attorney General yet.
  • Ben Carson was lost for ten hours yesterday as he was put in a round room and asked to sit in the corner.
  • Not enough Mexicans, Muslims, or uppity gays were judged for being Mexican, Muslim, or a gay.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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