UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA — Daesh, the radical Islamist terrorist group that has risen to power in the power vacuum created by the Iraq War, released a statement this week praising the Republican candidates who participated in the primary debates held on CNN on December 15th.
“In our wildest dreams,” the statement reads, “we couldn’t imagine scaring the bejesus out of people like the Republican presidential candidates did tonight.” According to Daesh, both the “under card debate” and the “debate with people the world cares about slightly more,” there was enough material for them to be able to radicalize a “pant load of people” and they were “particularly pleased” with the “amount of Boogey-menisms that the Republicans employed” about Daesh.
The statement specifically named Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz as being “particularly good at scaring Americans” about Daesh, and that ultimately that’s what “the whole point” of their activities is — scaring Americans. “All we want is push you guys into such a heightened state of fear and paranoia that we convince you to put pressure on your government to cave into us,” the statement says at one point, “and when you have alleged adults standing on a stage making us seem more dangerous than every day, average gun violence that claims a child a every other day in your country, you’re giving us a gift of propaganda we simply cannot ever repay you for!”
“We particularly admire that Mr. Huckabee can whip up furor over Islamic extremists even after he spent this summer defending a religious zealot in Kentucky’s right to oppress gay people just because she thinks the Bible tells her to do so,” the letter said, adding, “and for Rick Santorum of all people to warn Americans of the dangers of Sharia law is comically brilliant. He’s been trying to force his religious beliefs down the throats and up the asses of every American for years and years and years now.”
Daesh’s statement also came with a pledge that the group would reach out to “any and all operatives placed in the United States” to have them donate to SuperPACs that are backing Republican candidates. “Sure, there is no small amount of irony in us backing Republicans for president, since they’re the ones most aggressively targeting us in our rhetoric,” the statement says, “but if we’re all being honest here, we’ll admit that all of us — Republicans and terrorists — kind of depend on this relationship. We need people who are willing to feed into our religious-based craziness. And who better than a bunch of evangelicals who already speak the language of the zealot, as it were?”
“Thank you Republicans, thank you so, so much, in the name of Allah,” the statement concludes, “because it is hella expensive to take out advertising time on national TV like that. You probably did more to scare the American people into thinking we were going to attack them than a dozen execution videos could ever possibly hope for. Your steadfast devotion to the cause of peace through war feeds right into our own apocalyptic desires, so thank you, thank you, thank you! From the bottom of our terrorist hearts, thank you!”