Daesh Takes Credit for War on Christmas

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA — Daesh, the terrorist organization that sprung up out of the power vacuum created by the Iraq War, is taking credit for what they are calling “the most stunning blow ever struck against the evils of the United States of America.” In a short statement released on Twitter and various social media platforms, the group claimed responsibility for “any and all activities related to the execution of the glorious Jihad — or War — on Christmas.”

Daesh’s statement seemed to corroborate what conservative pundits have said for years — that there is an active war on one of Christendom’s most important days. “We have been colluding with your President Obama, or as we call him, Brother in Allah Barry, and of course Saul Alinsky’s ghost and George Soros to systematically root out and destroy all vestiges of Christmas in the United States.” The statement said that “whether it’s a nativity scene on taxpayer property in Racine, or a Christmas holiday show at an elementary school in Cleveland,” they and America’s liberals have fought “with incredible focus and tenacity” because “literally no one had anything better to do than to make Christians feel even more persecuted than they already do.”

“We fear your greatest leader — no, not Barack Obama, Bill O’Reilly” the statement said, “for he sees through all the attacks on Christmas no matter how hard we try to disguise them.” According to Daesh, many times in the last decade Fox News has come “insanely close” to exposing the conspiracy, but that “luckily then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was able to begin the Benghazi initiative just in time,” distracting Fox News viewers for years, Daesh’s statement said.

In the statement, Daesh claims that “though the victories are small” when they stop a taxpayer-funded Christmas play that only features Christian symbols and stories from taking place in a government building, those victories are “adding up big time” and will eventually “cause the United States to abandon its Christmas sycophancy.” The statement says the group “will not stop until every bit of green and red is wiped off the map from November through January.”

“Make no mistake,” the statement concludes, “though all our efforts haven’t managed to actually erase Christmas, and even though the day is still a federally recognized national holiday, we are winning. Sure, you can’t throw a rock from before Thanksgiving to about a week after the New Year without hitting something Christmas related, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t winning this Jihad on Christmas, and mark our words, we will win. And every time someone says ‘Happy holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas,’ that’s one more virgin waiting for us in Paradise. Peace out, bitches.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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