UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA — A spokesman for the terror group Daesh — known also as the Islamic State, ISIS, ISIL, and the Assholes Formerly and Currently Known as Assholes — has told reporters at the time of publication is interested in hiring Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, should billionaire Donald J. Trump win this year’s presidential election.
“Every American knows that the only reason we have risen to power is that your current president doesn’t say the words ‘Islamic terrorism’ of course,” the Daesh solider told the press, “but if that super strong, super masculine, super-winner Donald J. Trump becomes your president, we will of course cower in the corner. Not only because he’s a Republican — which most certainly immediately makes us more well-behaved just because — but because he is such a huge winner, you see.”
But, the Daesh press liaison told us, when they heard that Trump was abandoning the final Fox hosted debate before the Iowa caucuses, he says he knew what to do.
“Every super hero has their weakness,” the Daesh fighter said, “whether it’s Superman’s kryptonite or Batman’s dildos, every super hero has something that can bring him or her down. Megyn Kelly is Donald Trump’s kryptonite, and we fully intend to hire her away from Roger Ailes should Trump actually win in November.”
Ms. Kelly would host “Allah’s Jihad Tonight” on Daesh state-sponsored TV, the spokesman said. “We would not waste such a powerful weapon against The Great Donald by putting her in the battlefield,” he told us. Rather he said, “Megyn will be used in the capacity that her talents are best suited to help us with — propaganda of course.” Kelly will be the “center mouthpiece for our movement which seeks to use our religious beliefs and conservative world viewpoints to crush our enemies and create a homogeneous society full of people who only think like we do, so you know, what she does at Fox already.”
“We figure she’s probably more than used to working with a bunch of misogynistic religious conservatives anyway, so this shouldn’t be too harsh a transition for her,” the Daesh spokesman said as he wound down the press conference. He said he is sure Daesh’s attorneys would be able to buy Kelly’s contract with Fox News out and that should Trump win, he’d be “face to face with his greatest, most powerful enemy” on their airwaves.
Donald J. Trump currently enjoys a comfortable lead in most polling of would-be Republican voters over Senators Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Marco Rubio (R-FL).