Man On The Street: ‘Curt Schilling The PITCHAH Wants To Be My Senator? Fak That.’

DEATON, MASSACHUSETTS — This week, former Major League Baseball player Curt Schilling announced that he planned to challenge Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) in 2018, when Warren is slated to defend her seat next. Schilling was a well-known and successful pitcher for a handful of teams, and won a handful of championships during his career as well. However, does that mean that Bay Staters will vote for him, a political neophyte, over the wildly popular Warren, who replaced the mythical Ted Kennedy? We sent a reporter out onto a typical Massachusetts suburban town, and interviewed Max Edison to get a “man on the street” perspective.

First, our reporter asked Edison if he’d heard the news that Schilling had announced his intention to run in 2018.

“Curt Schilling…the pitchah…wants to be my senator,” Max asked rhetorically, “Fak that. I mean, no disrespect to Curt, but I ain’t askin’ Liz Warren to hurl a 96 mile an hour fastball past a jacked-up hitter, and for the same reasons I ain’t askin’ Schilling to do some legislatin’, know what I mean?”

Edison said that he couldn’t take Schilling seriously as a lawmaker because he follows the former professional hurler on Twitter.

“And he fires off some pretty stupid tweets,” Edison said, “just a lot of Benghazi conspiracy level shit. Lots of retweets of Breitbart links. Hell, the other day he tweeted out some cockamamie video by that Acorn douche alleging video proof of plans to commit voter fraud. But it was highly edited. So I just get the feeling Curt’s a right-wing kook underneath it all.”

Max did say he could see a scenario that would entice him to vote for Schilling, however.

“I mean, you know what,” Max said, “if one of the duties of being a United States Senator was hurling a wicked fastball and it were twelve or thirteen years ago, you know, when he wasn’t a washed-up has been, I’d probably vote for Curty Boy, but right now? No fucking way.”

Mr. Edison said Schilling’s post-baseball career also disqualifies him in his mind from being a senator.

“The dude totally tanked a video game company and was probed by the SEC over the sale of the company,” Max said, “so even if he wasn’t a conspiracy theory spewing gas bag, I still don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. And shouting Benghazi and mocking liberals isn’t exactly the hallmark of lucid and cogent governance either.”

Our reporter asked Max point blank if he’d vote for Schilling in two years. Max laughed extremely hard.

“If there were literally no other option for me to vote for,” Max said, “like his name is the only one on the ballot, I’d write in a box of used jockstraps. They’d be smarter than Curt and probably have just as much athletic experience, if they were old enough jockstraps.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This