Cuomo Resigns, Plans to Spend More Time Groping Someone Else’s Family

GRABBINY, NEW YORK — Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York (D) announced his official resignation from his post this morning. It will be effective fourteen days from today, and New York’s Lieutenant Governor, Kathy Hochul, a Democratic woman, will fill out the remainder of Cuomo’s term.

“The best thing I can do now is move aside,” Cuomo said during his resignation announcement, “and spend some time with family.”

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Cuomo, clearing his throat, continued quickly.

“Someone else’s family. Who I’ll then grope, of course,” Cuomo divulged. “I need to take some time, and get back to basics.”

Soon to be former Governor Cuomo said he’s “excited, but nervous” to see what the future holds for him.

“I’ve been a pubic — excuse me! — public servant so long, I’m not sure I’ll know how to handle going back to being a private sector creepazoid,” Cuomo shrugged, “but I think I’ll manage to make it work somehow.”

Cuomo thanked his administration, and praised them for what they accomplished. He promised to “keep in very close, uncomfortable touch” with his team.

“You have a lot to be proud of. We came through a pandemic together, and we did so much for this great state,” Cuomo said, getting up from the table he was seated at before turning back toward the reporters to ask his own question of them.

“Hey, anyone wanna see my dick before I go?”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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