Cruz: “You Know What? My Wife is an Ugly She-Beast. My Dad Did Try to Kill JFK. Trump Is Totally Innocent.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s highly likely that no one on the Hill has been all that surprised by how the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump has transpired in the Senate thus far. Despite House managers laying out a methodical, point-by-point case that Trump used the powers of his office to coerce a foreign government into participating in politically-motivated investigations, the president’s party controls the upper chamber of Congress, and without enough Republican senators willing to hear from key administration officials, or see documents Trump himself admits he’s in possession of, but won’t release, by all appearances it would seem the trial is headed to an acquittal along mostly partisan lines.

What might be surprising, however, is just how strongly Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Scrotal Tissue) has come out in defense of a man who absolutely debased, bullied, and tormented him on the 2016 campaign trail. Trump called Cruz “Lyin’ Ted” and mocked his loved ones mercilessly. Cruz, however, since Trump has taken office, finds himself more and more in the position to deliver emotional rhetoric to the cameras, defending a man that savaged him verbally every chance he got when the two were competing for the Republican presidential nomination. 

Impeachment Trial Day 2 Summary: Lying Sacks Of Shit Spend Day Lying To Protect A Lying Sack Of Shit

Cruz spotted cameras set up outside the Senate chamber this morning. His preternatural instinct for preening in front of them, Senator Cruz told reporters he’d “love to get a few things off [his] chest.” Cruz stared balefully into the camera as he spoke with the timbre and pitch of a Sunday morning sermon.

“Folks, I have to say something right now, as we prepare for the final day of the House Democrats’ shameful attempts to hold a president accountable, simply because they don’t think someone should be able to abuse their office while also simultaneously trying to cheat in an election,” Cruz began, rolling his eyes, “and I would love to get a few things off my chest. But first, excuse me, let me wipe this spray tanner off my lips and cheeks.”

The Texas Republican pulled a handkerchief out of his breast pocket and wiped his face clean.

“Some people have asked how I feel, having to defend a man who has said mean and nasty things about the mother of my children. Some have asked me how it feels defending a guy who called me a liar, and who said my dad helped kill JFK,” Cruz said. “You know what? My wife is an ugly she-beast. My dad did try to kill JFK. And since all of those things are true, we are left to conclude just one thing. Trump is totally innocent.”

But Sen. Cruz didn’t stop there. He said he was in a “real truth-telling mood” and that he had to “keep clearing the air.”

“Any time President Trump is involved, there’s a lot of air to be cleared. Especially if he’s had McDonald’s that day,” Cruz explained. “So, here we go. Building off that idea that my wife is super-duper ugly, my dad tried to help kill JFK, and Donald Trump is completely and totally innocent, let me know also put it right out there. The sky is yellow. Water is dry. Up is down. Down is left. And I’ve never eaten any of my boogers live on TV, nor did I ever accidentally tweet out evidence of the kind of porn I like to watch.”

For fifteen solid minutes, Cruz kept talking. 

“Oh, before I forget — The Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars film. Touchdowns are worth fifty points,” Cruz said. “There were totally weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Ronald Reagan wasn’t senile. I don’t like to buttfuck sheep. ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE TRUE.”

President Trump is the third man formally impeached by the House of Representatives. He is the first Republican to have his presidency stained as such. Former President Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace before the full House could vote on his articles of impeachment, passed by the Judiciary Committee. Obstruction of congress and abuse of power were both charged against Nixon, as well as Trump. 

McConnell Opens Senate Impeachment Trial With Traditional Burning Of The Constitution

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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