HOUSTON, TEXAS — Sharing a post-debate bottle of water, Senators Marco Rubio (R-FL) and Ted Cruz (R-TX) were discussing their performances in the CNN/Telemundo hosted Republican primary debate, and both feel they got the better of Donald J. Trump.
“I’d say that finally, after months of trying and failing,” Cruz told reporters, “I was able to out-asshole Donald Trump!” Rubio, hearing that remark, raised his finger to interject.
“Let’s dispel this myth right now that Ted Cruz was a bigger asshole than Donald Trump last night,” Rubio said, “Ted was definitely an asshole. But I was the one who was finally able to out-asshole Trump,” Rubio said. The Florida Republican told Cruz that he “admired” the way he helped Rubio “demolish Donald Trump and be the biggest asshole on the stage,” to which Cruz laughed.
Cruz, with a smile on his face told reporters, “My good friend Marco here is being far too kind in his compliment to me, but I must interject and remind everyone that in fact what they saw on the stage tonight was Ted Cruz pummeling Donald Trump, being the Supremely Asshole-ish person on that debate stage, and very likely sewing up the nomination and the presidency in one debate,” he paused.
“And I couldn’t have done it without you, Marco,” Cruz said with a glint in his eye.
Shaking his head, and after what some in the room said they saw as “sparks” coming from inside his ears and eyes, Rubio said to the press and Cruz, “Let’s dispel this myth right now that Ted Cruz was a bigger asshole than Donald Trump last night,” Rubio said again, “Ted was definitely an asshole. But how can I not be the biggest asshole on stage when I would tell a rape victim to just deal with it and have her rapist’s baby?”
“I would remind everyone,” Cruz said, “that I too have said horrid things as they relate to rape, incest, and abortion. But, I will say that unlike Marco Rubio, I am willing to carpet bomb children in the face if that’s what America needs, because that’s what George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and President Dick Cheney would have done.”
Rubio smiled back at Cruz.
“Not only would I carpet bomb children in the face,” Rubio said, “I would wait a whole generation, go back, and shit on their mass graves in the name of freedom, liberty and democracy. Would Ted Cruz desecrate the graves of children whose faces he carpeted bombed the shit out of?”
Cruz didn’t flinch.
“Oh, Marco, I wouldn’t desecrate their graves,” Cruz said, to which Rubio started to say something before Cruz continued, “because after I got done carpet bombing those children in the face, I would launch a nuclear assault and wipe out the entire region, regardless of the effects of fallout and what it could do to our Middle Eastern and European allies because that’s what freedom really means!”
“I would literally shit on a gay person,” Rubio shot back, starting off some sort of game of one-upping each other.
“I would punch a Muslim person in the face on general principle,” Cruz said back.
“I would, as president, order a preemptive strike on California,” Rubio said.
“I would re-take New Mexico and Texas just to be a dick to Mexico and I’d kick Jew York — excuse me Jewish York — out of the union forever,” Cruz said.
This back-and-forth went on for thirty minutes, and when both candidates had finally run out of things to say, they shook hands and agreed that no matter who was the bigger asshole at the debate that night, it wasn’t Donald Trump. Reached for comment, Ben Carson was asleep.